Look, I don’t wanna write about how Tottenham Hotspur’s players did in a 3-2 come-from-behind loss at home to Wolverhampton Wanderers, okay? I just don’t. It was a stupidhead dumb-butt loss to a good team that nevertheless featured two pretty good Spurs goals but a shambolic defensive performance and I just want to punt this season into the sea, okay?
So instead let’s forget this ever happened and talk about BIRBS.
5 stars: Clay-colored thrush
The clay-colored thrush is the national bird of Costa Rica. It’s a pretty unassuming bird — greyish brown, plain, kinda normal looking. You might think it strange that a country like Costa Rica, which is full of some of the most colorful and spectacular birds in the world, would make this grey drab little birb it’s NATIONAL birb. This is why.
What, did you really think there’d be something here?
4 stars: Blue-footed booby
Look, are there smarter birds out there? Duh, owls are a thing. Prettier? Literally shit-tons of them. Bigger, stronger, faster, more adaptable? Unquestionably. But do ANY of those birds have DYNAMITE KICKS like the blue-footed booby? NO, THEY DO NOT. This bird is the BOMB. Take your bald eagle and shove it, this birb is the Billy Porter of the avian kingdom and I am HERE for it. WHAT ARE THOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE?
Dele (Community — 2.5): Wow, are y’all harsh on Dele or what? Dele did everything you could’ve asked for him in terms of generating offense except for score, and he nearly did that too. Spurs did pretty well going forward against a very good Wolves defense, and Dele contributed 0.85 xG himself. And he’s not a striker! He was probably Spurs’ best player.
Giovani Lo Celso (Community — 3.0): Good things tend to happen when you get Gio the ball, and that continued on Sunday. He was heavily involved in both of Spurs’ goals against Wolves, and he did it from central midfield.
Steven Bergwijn (Community — 3.5): Faded pretty badly late in the match and is still getting used to the Premier League, but he was again a very lively offensive conduit and was in the right place to knock home his second goal.
3.5 stars: Chicken
Tottenham’s official birb, a chicken is a noble fowl but dumb as a sack of hammers. Extremely tasty, but a pain in the ass to deal with and loud as hell. My theory about why we all eat chicken is because they’re easy to catch because despite having wings they suck at flying. Wait, why do Spurs have a chicken on their crest again?
Serge Aurier (Community — 3.0): What do you do with Serge? A truly Jekyll & Hyde performance, good offensively and utterly lost at times on defense and in transition. Hell of a goal, though.
3 stars: Flamingo
I, true story here, consider the flamingo to be my spirit animal. It’s a long story. Who wouldn’t love them? They may look a little awkward on their stick legs with the knees that bend the wrong way, but their pink plumage is undoubtedly beautiful. But if you’ve ever gotten close to a flock in a zoo, you’ll see that they look more awkward than boys at a junior high dance, have incredibly huge schnozzes, beady, horror-inducing eyes, shit all over everything, and are loud as hell. They lose a lot of their luster and grandeur the closer you get to them. I guess what I’m saying is, never meet your heroes.
Lucas Moura (Community — 3.0): Lucas has continued his recent penchant for working his tail off but not really doing much of anything. Tracks back well, but just doesn’t generate enough offense to justify keeping him in this side when everyone’s healthy. Lucky for him, not everyone is healthy.
2.5 stars: Swan
When my daughter was very young, she loved swans. She’s no dummy, she knew The Ugly Duckling by heart and by age 4 was mesmerized by the swans that swam in the pond by her grandmother’s house. Until one day when she decided to walk up to one and talk to it. That damn swan rose up like some white Lovecraftian god, extended its wings to full length, hissed like a fiend from the pit, and chased my precious girl for a good 20 yards. It ended when she got suitably away from that hell-beast’s pond, where the swan retreated and my daughter tripped and did a face plant in the dirt. What I’m saying is, f—k swans. Those damn ducks had it right.
Eric Dier (Community — 2.0): I’ll be honest, on a night when the entire back line didn’t exactly cover themselves in glory, I didn’t think Dier was that bad. He certainly seems to look more comfortable when he can keep track of things that are ahead of him instead of worrying about letting people in behind. That said, he whiff-kicked on Wolves’ opening goal and was out of position for their second. He wasn’t GOOD, he was just BETTER.
Davinson Sanchez (Community — 2.5): After a few matches where we’ve praised Davinson’s defensive improvement, he had a backslide on Sunday, getting turned around frequently by a very good Wolves front line.
Harry Winks (Community — 2.5): I thought Captain Winksy was decently solid in the first half, but as the match progressed he was less and less effectively getting the ball to the attacking players in positions that were useful. Still a defensive sieve, but we know that.
Tanguy Ndombele (Community — 2.5): I think most people expected Tanguy to change the game the way he so often does, but in a 15 minute cameo he... didn’t. Had a couple of good looking passes but looked ponderous and off the pace.
2 stars: European Starling
So I listened to a Memory Palace podcast episode the other day (thanks to whichever Hoddler recommended it a while back) that told the story about how European starlings came to American shores. Apparently, it was the fault of one amateur ornithologist jackass who purposefully released 60 starlings into the wild in Central Park because Shakespeare used to write about them or something, IDK. They adapted to life in America with aplomb, reproducing in such great numbers that they created “murmurations” of thousands of birds as they flew through the sky, but also crowded out native species of birds, destroyed crops and spread disease, caused the likely extinction of two species of woodpeckers, and are now considered an invasive species. Great job, asshole. These birbs suck.
Paulo Gazzaniga (Community — 2.5): With apologies to anyone who actually thinks this, pAuLo GaZzAnIgA sHoUlD bE sTaRtInG OvEr hUgO lLoRiS
Japhet Tanganga (Community — 2.5): Whoooof. With the caveat that we should expect 20-year old central defenders to play like their age on occasion, #TangGang was a bit of a #TireFire in this match. Failed to clear an easy ball on the first goal, ended up on his ass on the second, and got skinned on a number of occasions. I’m not going to fire him into the sun, but this is one he hopefully will learn from.
Ben Davies (Community — 2.0): Actually got forward a bit and had a good cross into Dele (who missed), but otherwise awful. Tottenham’s left flank is just so porous right now and Davies is one of the major reasons why. Put Sessegnon in the hyperbaric chamber and play him on Wednesday, please.
1 star: Goose
Geese are monstrous, devlish, awful birds, the biggest jackasses in the Aves class. They crap all over every surface, they have no concept of physical space or privacy, and are mean as hell. Geese are such awful birds that a developer made a hit video game predicated on you playing an asshole goose that terrorizes a small town. And it’s one of the best games I’ve played this year and I guess geese are good now, huh?
No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as geese.
Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating
Gedson Fernandes (Community — n/a), Troy Parrott (Community — ALL THE STARS)