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Burnley 1-1 Tottenham: Player ratings to the theme of Lady Gaga songs that describe this season

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Bad Romance, baby

AT&T Super Saturday Night - Arrivals Photo by Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images for AT&T

We kinda glossed over it this past week, but Tottenham Hotspur Stadium landed another big non-sporting event this summer — musician Lady Gaga will present a concert on her Chromatical Ball tour at Spurs’ home ground on July 30.

It might not surprise you that there are some serious Lady Gaga fans on the Cartilage Free Captain masthead, and that got us thinking: with the new concert scheduled and likely to give a nice bump to Tottenham’s financials this summer, how can we best celebrate that ahead of time? By delving into Lady Gaga’s lyrics and finding some of her songs that, well, best describe the horrific season that Spurs have been going through, that’s how.

So here they are. These are Tottenham’s player ratings for their draw against Burnley to the theme of Lady Gaga songs that describe Spurs’ season. (Warning: they’re all pretty depressing.)

5 stars: ‘Til It Happens to You


You tell me it gets better, it gets better in time
You say I’ll pull myself together, pull it together, you’ll be fine
Tell me what the hell do you know
What do you know
Tell me how the hell could you know, how could you know?

‘Til it happens to you, you don’t know
How it feels, how it feels
Til it happens to you, you won’t know
It won’t be real, no it won’t be real
Won’t know how it feels

No players here.

4 stars: Bad Romance


[#WelcomeJose]

I want your ugly, I want your disease
I want your everything as long as it’s free
I want your love
Love, love, love, I want your love
I want your drama, the touch of your hand (hey)
I want your leather-studded kiss in the sand
I want your love

No players here either.

3.5 stars: Paparazzi


[For the forthcoming Amazon documentary]

We are the crowd, we’re c-coming out
Got my flash on, it’s true, need that picture of you
It’s so magical, we’d be so fantastical

Leather and jeans, garage glamorous
Not sure what it means, but this photo of us
It don’t have a price, ready for those flashing lights
’Cause you know that baby

Baby, there’s no other superstar
You know that I’ll be
Your papa-paparazzi

Giovani Lo Celso (Community — 4.0): Not even Gio could turn this match completely around, but he sure tried his hardest. His pass to Lamela that set up the penalty was outstanding. Imagine if we, y’know, had good players around him.

Lucas Moura (Community — 3.5): Was fast and direct, which was exactly what was needed in this match. Ran around a lot and earned some key fouls in the second half.

3 stars: Shallow


I’m off the deep end, watch as I dive in
I’ll never meet the ground
Crash through the surface, where they can’t hurt us
We’re far from the shallow now

In the shallow, shallow
In the shallow, shallow
In the shallow, shallow
We’re far from the shallow now

Eric Dier (Community — 3.0): I’m not going to say Eric was great on Saturday, but he was definitely improved. Maybe we should send him up to beat the crap out of a Spurs fan in the stands every week.

Steven Bergwijn (Community — 3.0): Really turned up his game in the second half when he had more balls to run onto courtesy of Lo Celso. Hmm, maybe we can take something from that.

Jan Vertonghen (Community — 3.0): Based on recent events I don’t think many people expected a whole lot out of Jan vs. Burnley, but he put in a decent shift. Might have scored if Erik Lamela had seen him wide open during one of the few decent counterattacks Spurs had. Let’s put him at striker, what’s the worst that could happen?

2.5 stars: Always Remember Us This Way


[RIP Tottenham Hotspur, there used to be a club here]

Lovers in the night, poets trying to write
We don’t know how to rhyme
But, damn, we try
But all I really know, you’re where I wanna go
The part of me that’s you will never die

So when I’m all choked up
But I can’t find the words
Every time we say goodbye
Baby, it hurts
When the sun goes down
And the band won’t play
I’ll always remember us this way

Eric Lamela (Community — 3.0): Gets credit for earning the (pretty soft) penalty, but otherwise wasn’t great. He never seems to play well when he starts, just when he comes in off the bench.

Dele (Community — 3.0): Tottenham had zero shots from the center of the pitch during this match, which is where Dele played, or tried to. Yes he scored a nice penalty and you can argue that he wasn’t getting the service he needed from the midfield in the second half (he wasn’t) but this was not a good game overall.

Hugo Lloris (Community — 3.0): You can argue Burnley’s goal all you want and the initial shot was hit with a lot of venom, but Hugo simply has to hold on to that ball and not spill it in the path of a Burnley player. Had one good save in the second half, otherwise it was pretty routine.

Toby Alderweireld (Community — 3.0): Burnley’s attackers aren’t good enough that you should get turned around as often as Toby was on Saturday. Even so, he was above average for a Spurs defender, which is in and of itself sad.

2 stars: Judas


[FFS #LEVYOUT]

I’ll bring him down, bring him down, down
A king with no crown, king with no crown

I’m just a Holy Fool, oh baby he’s so cruel
But I’m still in love with Judas, baby!

Ohohohoh
I’m in love with Judas
Judas! Judaaa Judas! Judaaa
Judas! Judaaa Judas! GAGA!

Japhet Tanganga (Community — 3.0): In a better world we’d be able to let Japhet struggle with adapting to Premier League football as a young player with better players around him. We are not in that world, so he’ll struggle and probably suffer for it. Hopefully he’ll continue to improve with time.

Oliver Skipp (Community — 2.5): See above, but replace “Japhet” with “Skippy.”

Davinson Sanchez (Community — 2.5): Got burned by McNeill for Burnley’s goal and had trouble with Wood all day.

Tanguy Ndombele (Community — 2.0): Look, Tanguy wasn’t great. At all. I’m also not convinced that he was the main problem with the team yesterday and he DEFINITELY didn’t deserve to be called out publicly. I still maintain that he’s injured and should probably have offseason surgery or something. At this rate he probably won’t make France’s EURO squad anyway.

Jose Mourinho (Community — 2.5): On the one hand I’m not sure what more he can do with the injury/rotation issues he has. On the other hand SURELY there was a better option than what was on the pitch at Burnley.

1 star: Edge of Glory


[Is there a song that more epitomizes Tottenham Hotspur sacking Mauricio Pochettino five months after playing in a Champions League final?]

I need a man that thinks it right when it’s so wrong
Tonight, yeah baby, tonight, yeah baby
Right on the limit’s where we know we both belong tonight

It’s hot to feel the rush, to brush the dangerous
I’m gonna run right to, to the edge with you
Where we can both fall far in love

I’m on the edge of glory and I’m hangin’ on a moment of truth
Out on the edge of glory and I’m hangin’ on a moment with you

No Tottenham Hotspur players were as sad and poignant as this song.

Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating


Serge Aurier (Community — n/a)