A North London Derby win! That felt good. Tottenham Hotspur hung two on Arsenal, and it was better by the fact that they came from behind to get the win at the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium. North London is white, f—k off back to Woolwich, etc. etc.
The other nice thing about this match was that it was actually well played and executed! That’s been a rarity this season, and we shouldn’t lose sight of that. So after discussion with my Carty Free colleagues, I decided to rank the players to the theme of individual components of Chex mix, the ubiquitous American snack mix that’s a staple at Super Bowl parties and household pantries of smart people with good taste.
Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of components in Chex mix.
5 stars: Rye chips
Chex mix implies that there are a variety of different types of snack food in the mix, but honestly I’d rather just eat an entire bowl of seasoned rye chips, because they’re that good. Anyone who doesn’t like these is a communist.
Lucas Moura (Community — 4.0): Ten tackles in a match would be outstanding for anyone. For a guy like Lucas who usually plays as a second striker, it’s phenomenal. Lucas had an outstanding match on both sides of the ball — taking on players and helping out with Arsenal’s attackers. Had a lovely pop from distance at the start of the match, too.
Toby Alderweireld (Community — 4.5): For Toby, that goal and his play of late must have felt like vindication after sitting out the first three matches post-restart. Imperious at the back and thumped in the winner.
4.5 stars: Cheez-its
Now look, bags of Original Chex Mix sold in stores don’t have cheez-its, but if we’re making PROPER Chex mix then this is a necessary component. Because Cheez-its bring a savory cheeziness to the party, and isn’t that what you want out of a snack food? Cheez-its: awesome.
Son Heung-Min (Community — 4.0): Had a goal and an assist and looked dangerous throughout. So why do I feel like he could’ve done even better? I was frustrated at him after the match over passes and opportunities he missed. I’m probably being too hard on him. He was great.
4 stars: Corn and rice Chex
I mean, it’s in the name, right? The cereal make up the bulk of the mix and are wonderfully crunchy (but not too much so) and their shape and texture make for perfect vectors for the flavored seasoning powder. There’s always one bite that is just loaded with the seasoning, and it’s almost always a Chex piece. Don’t tell me you don’t hunt them out in the bowl or bag.
Hugo Lloris (Community — 4.0): Couldn’t do anything about Lacazette’s cannon blast but was alert and made a big stop in the second half. Has low-key been Tottenham’s best and most consistent player since the restart.
Harry Kane Community — 3.5): Five shots, four on target. Tottenham tend to go as Kane goes, and Kane did well. Should’ve had at least two goals, but was thwarted by a magnificent match from Martinez.
Jose Mourinho (Community — 3.5): This match was Mourinho at his best — a tactical masterclass where Spurs set out with a custom game plan against a tough opponent. Mourinho had Arsenal’s tactics pegged and he instructed his players well. I still don’t like him, but credit where due — he got things exactly right.
3.5 stars: Wheat Chex
Wheat Chex are still Chex but they’re smaller and crunchier and browner and less good. I’m convinced the only reason wheat Chex exist is to make up some of the bulk in Chex mix because honestly, who’s eating a whole bowl of these things with milk for breakfast? Wheat Chex: still Chex, but less gooder™.
Davinson Sanchez (Community — 3.5): Toby got the headlines, but Davi was almost as solid in the back line.
Moussa Sissoko (Community — 3.5): Continues to... well, “shine” isn’t the right word, but he’s certainly memorable in midfield. Played wider this time and used his energy to keep Kieran Tierney frustrated and quiet the entire match. Ran all over the pitch — dude is like a heat-seeking missile at times. Just wish he could kick the ball.
Giovani Lo Celso (Community — 3.5): Played the more forward role in the double-pivot, and contributing creativity and energy. While he wasn’t as effective as he’s shown in past matches, he continues to have an edgy side to his game that worked well in a critical derby match (though it did earn him a yellow).
3 stars — Breadsticks
Look, I have nothing really against the breadsticks. They’re fine. They have a pleasantly twisty shape. They’re just not SPECIAL, you know? The only thing they really have going for them is that they’re not pretzels. See below.
Harry Winks (Community — 3.0): A quintessentially Winksian match where he barely tried to bring the ball forward at all, was markedly absent defensively as Arsenal dominated midfield possession, and still came out looking decent. Had 96% pass completion, but weirdly StatsZone doesn’t track the number of times he got dribbled past. Was unlucky not to get sent off as he was hauling down players right and left by the arm.
Ben Davies (Community — 3.5): A little flat footed in this match, especially early, had a few loose passes and picked up a cheap yellow but grew into the match and did decently well against Pepe defensively. Had a rocket of a shot that Martinez amazingly tipped onto the crossbar. That goes in, it’s a Puskas candidate.
2 stars: Pretzels
Pretzels suck. Who actually likes them? The seasoning doesn’t stick to them, they’re probably made out of compressed sawdust, and there’s never enough salt on them to make them even remotely palatable. There’s no point to including them. I’d rather have more wheat Chex, or just add more rye chips, thanks.
Serge Aurier (Community — 2.0): It’s a credit to how well Tottenham were overall that Serge had his derpy pants on and Spurs didn’t let any of his mistakes become catastrophic.
1 star: Not having any Chex mix
There’s almost always a bag of Chex mix in my pantry because it’s usually the one snack that I crave when I have a long article to finish and I’m two bourbons to the wind and dammit I’m hungry. Sure, there are other good snacks. But this is a Chex mix ratings article, dammit. Any Chex mix is better than no Chex mix.
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