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Tottenham 1-0 Everton: Player ratings to the theme of TV dads

Tottenham Hotspur v Everton FC - Premier League Photo by Marc Atkins/Getty Images

Hey, Spurs won a game! It wasn’t pretty, but the three points from Tottenham Hotspur’s 1-0 win over Everton put them up to eighth place in the table, one behind Arsenal and seven behind United in fifth. Champions League seems a distant dream, but there’s still a chance for Europe if they can keep winning... even when they look bad.

Today’s theme is one that I should’ve done a month ago for Father’s Day, but we didn’t have games back them. So we’ll do it now. TV is full of fathers, some of them good and some of them bad. So let’s rank Tottenham’s players in their 1-0 win over Everton to the theme of TV dads.

5 stars: Phillip Banks (Fresh Prince of Bel-Air)

Good ol’ Uncle Phil raised three well adjusted children as a wealthy African-American family in southern Cal. He’s hot-tempered and brooks no nonsense, but cares intensely for his family, and still finds enough love in his heart to take in his n’er-do-well nephew from Philly who had a very different upbringing. The continuing currents throughout the show are tough (but true) parental love, infinite forgiveness, and an enduring hatred for Jazz, which, y’know, fair. There are plenty of good dads on TV, but precious few great ones. Philip Banks is one of the greats.

No Tottenham Hotspur players were at the Philip Banks level.

4 stars: Keith Mars (Veronica Mars)

Keith Mars raises his daughter in a crime noir series, which means Veronica’s going to get into trouble. He’s not perfect — he lies to her about his medical condition and teaching her about the family business means her life is in danger fairly frequently — but he’s a constant presence in Veronica’s life even when she doesn’t necessarily want it. He also gives her the freedom to make mistakes and learn from them (like — sorry — dating Logan), while making himself available for her whenever she wants and always ready with a good dad joke. Keith Mars: Good Dad™.

Giovani Lo Celso (Community - 4.0): Another solid performance from Gio who seems to have added “shithousery” to his stable of talents. Looked downright Lamela-esque out there at times. Maybe Erik gave him the GOOD maté.

3.5 stars: Sandy Cohen (The O.C.)

A public defender, Sandy is the moral center of the O.C., dispensing wisdom and timely dad-jokes whenever his kids got into whatever drama they got into on that show, even if he didn’t always know what was going on. His relationship with — and eventual adoption of — Ryan best epitomizes these qualities. He also gave great hugs.

Toby Alderweireld (Community - 3.5): Toby got his first start since the resumption of football because Mourinho thought he’d be better against Everton’s “in your face” tactics. But Everton were pretty bad, and Toby does well against bad teams as well. Looked a little rusty at times. Maybe he should play more...? Just a thought.

Eric Dier (Community - 3.5): Significantly better showing from Dier here than against Sheffield, even if he did get lost positionally once or twice. Message received?

Hugo Lloris (Community - 3.5): Mostly untroubled by Everton’s attack. His altercation with Sonny was probably the most exciting thing about this entire match.

3 stars: Homer Simpson

Look, Homer is over the top, a doofus, and dumb as hell, but he always seems to rise to the occasion when it comes to his relationship with Marge and his kids. His main goal in life, apart from drinking beer, is to make sure his kids are proud of him. There are tons of examples through the long history of the Simpsons where he screws up, but there are equally heartwarming moments where he drops his selfishness and comes through in a huge way. You could do a lot worse than have Homer as a parent.

Son Heung-Min (Community - 3.0): Not bad, precisely, but continued his string of okay-to-good performances since the restart. Seemed to get scapegoated by Hugo in their altercation. A few attempts on goal but still looks off the boil.

Serge Aurier (Community - 3.0): Still ostensibly the focal point of Spurs’ offense under Mourinho, it seemed like his defensive contributions outweighed his offensive output, which is weird. Didn’t make any super glaring mistakes, so that’s good.

Jose Mourinho (Community - 3.0): You may hate his tactics. I do. But at least it was effective. I’m resigning myself to having to be content with boring 1-0 wins until he’s gone. At least it’s a win.

2.5 stars: Walter White (Breaking Bad)

Sure, over the course of the show he transforms into an absent, psychopathic, murdering drug kingpin who puts his job well ahead of his family despite the dangers it puts them in and leaves them as a pile of smoking wreckage. But you can’t say he doesn’t provide.

Harry Kane (Community - 3.0): Some will say that he wasn’t getting service (and he wasn’t) but that also minimizes how he’s no longer really creating his own shots and was barely involved. Two attempts, none on target just isn’t going to cut it against a pretty awful Everton performance.

Harry Winks (Community - 3.0): I’m still not sure what role Winks was supposed to play out there. Did his usual high percentage of short, lateral passes in midfield and showed for the ball, though wasn’t the conduit forward that Spurs needed in midfield at all. Was okay against Tom Davies and Andre Gomes, though Everton were pretty awful.

Ben Davies (Community - 3.0): Probably Ben’s worst game since the restart, but not by much — he’s been pretty good lately. Strangely was the more advanced of the two fullbacks, but neither were particularly good going forward.

Moussa Sissoko (Community - 3.0): Actually passed well, but almost all of them were lateral or backwards. 8 ball recoveries and ran around a bit, but Spurs needed someone more creative, especially in a match where Aurier didn’t need as much babysitting.

2 stars: Tony Soprano

Tony Soprany wanted to be a good father. He was not a good father. He was inconsistent with discipline, pitting them against each other when fighting with his wife. He relied on gifts and bribery for his children’s affection. He lashed out with verbal and (sometimes) physical abuse when upset, especially with AJ, who’s downward spiral was exacerbated by his father’s own behavior towards him and others. Oh, and he was a mob boss. The only thing that puts him ahead of the 1-star category is that he didn’t set out to purposefully raise monsters. See below.

Lucas Moura (Community - 3.0): I have seen Lucas rated higher elsewhere and in the comments, but I was super not impressed with his play against Everton. While he did run at Everton’s defense a few times, his inclination to cut inside and operate as a quasi-striker gummed up the offense which was already not getting the ball to attackers efficiently.

1 star: Tywin Lannister (Game of Thrones)

In a show full of murky grey characters, Tywin Lannister is one of the few that is indisputably evil. His lust and ambition for power is matched only by his success in raising children who are just as ruthless and power hungry as he is. Even the child he favors — Jaime, mostly — is held at arm’s length and subjected to the cruelest of treatments so that he may have the necessary ruthlessness to lead the Lannister family in the future. And his kids end up nearly besting him in ambition and power, continuing the cycle. The only time this backfires is with Tyrion, the child he shunned completely, and who ironically turns out to be one of the moral centers of this bleak show. SPOILERS — Tywin ultimately dies on the toilet after being shot with a crossbow by his own son, in an episode that aired on Father’s Day. Perfect.

No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as Tywin Lannister.

Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating

Steven Bergwijn, Erik Lamela, Jan Vertonghen