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Bat Country: Daniel Levy inquires about Lionel Messi

We may have to retire Bat Country after this one.

Barcelona v Bayern Munich - UEFA Champions League Quarter Final Photo by Manu Fernandez/Pool via Getty Images

This is the greatest day of my sports writing life. I have yearned for a day when I could write a headline so ridiculous, so ludicrous, I can basically write whatever I want and it truly doesn’t matter. That headline is perfection.

Lionel Messi is the GOAT. He is a living legend. At 33 years old, I’m convinced he could waltz into most any team in a country’s top division and single-handedly make them title contenders. And that’s what makes this tweet the funniest thing I’ve ever read and I had to bat country it:

I can’t handle it. I get six words into that tweet and I laugh uncontrollably.

What’s going on in Barcelona has the entire football world intrigued. Messi appears to be done with Barcelona after bringing in Ronald Koeman. I have no idea if this account is legit, but honestly it doesn’t matter for this story so let’s get wild:

Close your eyes and imagine this conversation happening where Ronald Koeman tries to tell possibly the greatest footballer to have ever lived that his privileges are over. It’s nothing short of a theatrical masterpiece.

Needless to say, Daniel Levy reaching out to Messi’s entourage is the biggest load of bat country to have ever been written on this site. For just a moment, I’m going to let you all imagine seeing Lionel Messi in lilywhite and watch him torturing Arsenal. It’s a fun image that we can only really get if we do a free transfer on FIFA. Then reality crashes down on us when you realize that Lionel Messi gets paid a stupid amount of money to do what he does:

I can’t even fathom how much money that actually is. You could put half of it in front of me and I wouldn’t even know how to respond.

And that €60m figure is just for one freaking year.

This is normally the part of the article where I tell you the rumor is laughable at best and never to expect anything to come of it. Instead, I offer up these questions to you:

What if?

What if Daniel Levy mortgaged the stadium to do this?

What if Lionel Messi came to Tottenham Hotspur?

Please feel free to write your own Skipjack-worthy fan fiction in the comments, everyone. It’s the only way to appropriately end what is just an amazing tweet.