There’s something kind of poetic and DEFINITELY Tottenham Hotspur about Spurs playing easily some of their best football in the Jose Mourinho era against an objectively terrible Newcastle team, only to see them jobbed out of two points thanks to a stupid foul call leading to a stupid free kick that was given as a stupid handball penalty by stupid VAR in the stupid 97th minute. It was real dumb. I’m still mad.
My job, as I see it, is when we have a controversial match that made people mad, to try to get people arguing about something more important. So instead, let’s talk about Among Us.
If you have not heard about it, Among Us is a $5 mobile/desktop game that is basically multiplayer online Mafia set in space. You’re one of 12 cute astronauts in colored suits, wandering around your ship trying to complete tasks. 1-3 of you however are secretly aliens who are trying to sabotage the ship and murder everyone else, and you have to figure out — and then vent — the impostors by reporting dead bodies and calling meetings to accuse your co-players. My kids got me into this game a couple of weeks ago. It’s cheap, ridiculously fun, cross platform, and has tons of replay value.
One of the best parts is that you can choose what color you want your astronaut to be, and also pick fun little hats to wear. The colors don’t have any real effect on the game mechanics, but people who play think otherwise, along with other deeply-held nuggets of wisdom such as how the Electrical Room is the “most cursed” room in the whole game.
So I decided to get my kids to rank the Among Us character colors as the player ratings theme, because isn’t it more fun to talk about why Red is a super sus color than argue about whether we lost because we got f—ked by VAR vs. our finishing letting us down? Trust me, it is.
And remember, if you holler about these rankings, you’re yelling at my adorable kids, you monster.
Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of Among Us player colors, as ranked by my kids.
5 stars — Black
Why black? Well, according to my kids it’s the best color to blend into shadows, especially when someone sabotages the lights. Black is one of the first colors to get picked in this game for that reason, which could put a target on your back in an experienced group. But, it’s is also kinda metal. Black rocks.
Harry Kane (Community — 4.0): He didn’t score, but not for lack of trying. Eight shots on the day, five on target. Provided the assist for Spurs’ only goal. Only denied a goal because of an insane game from Darlow between the sticks. He was great. How did we not win this?
4.5 stars — White, Blue
“Because they’re Tottenham colors, duh.” Extended conversation ensued with their father about how the blue is actually more of a CHELSEA blue than a Spurs blue, but their hearts are in the right place. COYS.
Son Heung-Min (Community — 4.0): We thought the sub was tactical — we were wrong. But Sonny was fantastic in the opening 45. Hit the woodwork twice (stupid Macedonian goals) and terrorized Newcastle’s defense. A shame he’s injured now.
Giovani Lo Celso (Community — 4.0): Gio was the catalyst for virtually every good thing that Tottenham did, and they did a lot of good stuff in this match. A creative engine at the #10 spot against a bunkered defense.
Pierre Højbjerg (Community — 4.0): For the first time, I really started to understand why he was such a high profile target for Spurs this summer. He dominated the midfield, hoovering up loose balls and putting in some good tackles. Also put in a good cross to Kane’s head that Darlow saved because of course he did. His best match in a Spurs shirt.
4 stars — Pink, Purple
Pick these colors solely so that you have the chance to be a vicious murderer while wearing the colors of sugar and spice. These are powerful colors. Be bold. And wear the flamingo hat.
Lucas Moura (Community — 3.5): In the right place at the right time to tap in Kane’s cross to put Spurs up and was constantly making late runs to get into position. He was bright and feisty throughout the match.
Tanguy Ndombele (Community — 3.5): Was rested after playing 90 in North Macedonia, but his passing helped pick the lock of Newcastle’s defense. Man, he’s good.
3.5 stars — Orange, Lime Green
If you’re trying to AVOID attention, you want to pick colors that either blend in or you might confuse with another color. These two are bright, but there’s no real advantage to them so if you pick them you probably just like them, and whatever, they’re nice. Plus with orange you can put on the green frilly hat and look like a carrot.
Ben Davies (Community — 3.0): Another game where Ben didn’t have anyone really closing him down and he did very well defensively. Got burned a couple of times late in the game, but overall another solid outing. Too bad he’s losing his job to Reguilon now.
Jose Mourinho (Community — 3.5): Breaking down low-block bunkered defenses has always been a problem for Spurs, and Jose figured out how to do it against Toon. Sure, they were garbage, and you can rightly criticize Mou for taking his foot off the gas in the second half while up 1, but he got the tactics right. Mourinho wasn’t the reason we dropped points.
3 stars — Yellow, Cyan
These are, according to my kids, the colors that you don’t care if you end up with if you’re the last one to join the group. Distinctive but not flashy, which is useful when you’re just trying to do tasks (or fake doing them) and be noticed by others doing them.
Davinson Sanchez (Community — 3.5): IDK, he was fine. Not like he had a super ton of things to do.
Eric Dier (Community — 3.5): It would be super harsh to criticize Dier for his role in the PK-that-wasn’t, so I won’t. He, like Davinson, was mostly fine but also didn’t have to do much (except fluff an open header on goal).
Harry Winks (Community — 3.5): I’m still confused as to what his role is, but for once he didn’t make me scream at the television screen, and that felt good. It certainly helps that Newcastle gave him acres of time on the ball. But credit where due — Winksy was fine.
Hugo Lloris (Community — 3.5): Apart from the PK (which he nearly got to), Hugo barely had to do anything the entire game.
Matt Doherty (Community — 3.5): I wonder if maybe we’ve overhyped Doherty’s abilities a little coming in. He was fine, but considering how much time he had on the ball I expected better crossing and better offensive impact.
2.5 stars — Red
It’s bright. Too bright, like you’re trying too hard. If you’re picking Red, you’re trying to call your attention to yourself which should make everyone suspicious as heck. In this game, Red’s a super shifty color. Never red. Basically — Red is SUPER sus. [At this point I reminded them of Arsenal’s colors and they both nodded sagely.]
Steven Bergwijn (Community — 3.0): I might be a little harsh on Stevie, but he didn’t provide the impact I expected him to in the second half. Not worried, just not impressed.
2 stars — Forest green
Why forest green? “Because it’s too easily mistaken for the lime green so you can be vented because dumb players just say ‘green’ in meetings. Also it’s ugly.” Lime green apparently also has this problem, but “ugly” tips the balance.
Everyone played at least pretty well! Nobody was this bad, and that's’ good.
1 star — Brown
“If you’re gonna play with Brown, you might as well put the toilet paper hat on because you just make crap color choices.” Can’t argue with that! Vent Brown first chance you get.
No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as the brown Among Us astronaut.
Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating