As I write this article, England are still playing San Marino in a World Cup qualifier and lead 10-0. It’s quite possible the final score will be even higher. Tottenham Hotspur striker Harry Kane scored four of those goals, two of them from the spot and all in the first half, before being subbed off for Reece James midway through the second half.
Now, combine that with the perfect hat trick Kane scored against Albania on Friday and that’s... [counts on fingers] SEVEN! Seven goals this past week, ah-ah-aaaaah.
These were two matches that England were all but guaranteed to win, and Kane absolutely did not need to start or even play in either of them. So why is he out there scoring goals against international minnows like the flattest of track bullies? He’s trying to break a record.
Specifically, Harry desperately wants to chase down Wayne Rooney’s England goal scoring record of 53. With today’s haul, Kane has now launched himself up to 48 goals, a tie for third with Gary Lineker and one behind Sir Bobby Charlton. It seems fairly likely that Kane’s going to pip Rooney at some point even without stat-padding against the teams ranked 63rd and 210th in the FIFA world rankings, but apparently he insisted on playing and Gareth Southgate acquiesced to his England captain.
Kane’s output this season is now 20 goals in 22 matches in all competitions for club and country. However, 13 of those goals have come against San Marino, Albania, Andorra, Pacos de Ferreira, and [checks notes] NS Mura.
The flattest of track bullies. But I guess that’s how you break records these days, huh? Good job, Harry — I mean it, scoring buckets full of goals is no easy feat no matter who they come against and you can only (choose to) play the teams that are in front of you. Thankfully we were all spared Harry rolling an ankle in these stupid games while chasing Wayne this past week. Now let’s hope he can start scoring Premier League goals beginning this weekend at Leeds.