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Tottenham 4-0 Burnley: player ratings to the theme of art that resembles this photo of Gareth Bale

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Art imitates life imitates art.

Tottenham Hotspur v Burnley - Premier League Photo by Matthew Childs - Pool/Getty Images

I’d like to take credit for this theme, but in all honesty I cannot. Someone in the comments of the Tottenham-Burnley post-match thread made a crack about the photo used in the header of this article being “accidental Renaissance art” and, welp, I stole it for Twitter.

It did really good numbers, too. Thanks for that, whoever came up with it.

But man, this is one of those great Tottenham photos that deserves a patented Carty Free deep dive shitpost, and today that’s what we’re going to do. After a match that was fun and high scoring and good, one that saw Welsh Jesus score a brace and look for all the world like the old Gareth Bale we wanted him to be, let’s have some fun. Because we’re a long suffering people that deserve love.

Here are your player ratings to the theme of works of fine art that resemble elements from this photo of Gareth Bale celebrating a goal.

5 stars: The Last Supper [Leonardo da Vinci, 1498]


Source: Wikimedia Commons

Gareth Bale (Community — 5.0): Do you know how long I’ve waited to put Bale in this position? Do you know how good it feels to finally do so? Bale was spectacular in this match, scoring with his first touch and then later using some absolutely outrageous technical ability to lance home a second. He also had that 50 yard pass to assist Kane’s goal. This is what I hoped for when we signed him. Maybe it just took this long to get back up to playing shape?

Son Heung-Min (Community — 4.0): Sonny didn’t score, but he did everything else. He had two assists and set up another 5 (!!) big chances in this match, and might have gotten a goal if he’d not skied a good chance late and had another one saved well by Pope. He was low-key my man of the match, Bale notwithstanding.

4.5 stars: Primavera [Botticelli, c. 1470-1480]


Harry Kane (Community — 4.0): Still operating as Tottenham’s best creator, but he didn’t drop as deep as often in this match because that was Bale’s job. Took his goal well, put another couple of shots close, had one saved well by Pope, and had some lovely passes to set up teammates.

4 stars: Cristo Redentor [Paul Landowski, 1931]


Davinson Sanchez (Community — 4.0): We’ve all given Davinson a hard time lately, and Burnley isn’t a great team. But this match reminded me why we all thought he had so much potential as a defender. Made an excellent sliding challenge early, bossed Vydra off the ball a number of times, and was (gasp) solid in the air. More of that, please.

Tanguy Ndombele (Community — 4.0): He makes central midfield look easy. He’s not quite the same kind of player as Mousa Dembele, but he has the same sort of impact — the midfield is better with him in it.

Lucas Moura (Community — 4.0): I joked in the writer’s chat that it’s hilarious that the shortest guy on the team is one of Spurs’ best presences in the box, and he showed that again with a smartly taken goal off a cross from Reguilon. Had some good dribbles through Burnley’s defense. Solid match.

Sergio Reguilon (Community — 4.0): Had a nice assist for Lucas that took a flick off of a head somewhere along the line, but played in a more reserved role than we’re used to. Not that he didn’t get forward, just not as frequently as expected. Did well on both sides of the ball.

Jose Mourinho (Community — 4.0): I don’t know what the impetus has been for Jose to revert to the attacking football from early in the season (pre-West Ham) but it’s working and he deserves credit for it. Scoring early also helped.

3.5 stars: The Agony in the Garden [El Greco, 1590]


Toby Alderweireld (Community — 4.0): Looks a little uncomfortable on the left side of the back line and his long passing suffers a bit, but you can’t argue with the results. Mopped up whatever Sanchez let through and rarely let Burnley get a sniff at goal.

Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg (Community — 4.0): My colleagues and I disagreed slightly with Pierre’s performance. I thought he was quietly excellent, others said he looked tired and off the pace. He does need a rest, but he didn’t have to be outstanding in this match either.

Serge Aurier (Community — 3.5): Serge is a pretty excellent outlet with the ball when he plays, and that’s what he provided again today, progressing the ball into the attacking third on the regular and getting back to defend when needed. Had a pop at goal, too.

3 stars: Jesus Heals the Sick [Byzantine mosaic, 12th century]


Erik Lamela (Community — 3.0): He was fine. I’m mostly just irrationally mad at him that his substitution meant we only got to see five minutes of the SHAG (Son-Harry-Alli-Gareth) offense.

Hugo Lloris (Community — 3.5) I think he made one stop. Looked awfully handsome in goal today and that’s worth three stars.

Dele (Community — 3.5): Subbed on when Spurs already were up big and had their foot off the gas, he didn’t do anything especially noteworthy but pressed the ball well high up the pitch and fed Son for a good chance late.

2 stars: Calero (Antonio Baños) [Robert Henri, 1908]


Admission: I used the Google Art & Culture App’s awesome Art Selfie feature for this one

No Spurs players were this poor.

1 star: The Fool [Rider-Waite Tarot, 1909]


No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as the match official looking like the Fool.

Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating


Matt Doherty (Community — 3.0)