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Spurs are bad again, wheeee! It’s now been two days since Tottenham Hotspur made possibly-relegated Newcastle United look like Barcelona for large stretches of their match at St. James’ Park. Spurs were up 2-1 thanks to a Harry Kane brace before conceding a late equalizing goal from an on-loan Arsenal player and drawing the match 2-2. It went predictably terrible afterwards amongst the various factions of this divided Spurs fanbase.
We gotta rate these players, so let’s have some fun with it and distract the readership discuss something a little more palatable. OK, a lot more palatable. Let’s talk Girl Scout Cookies.
For those of you outside of the USA, the Girl Scouts of America, a youth organization for young girls that promotes citizenship through things like camping, crafts, and community service, sell cookies as their major fundraiser every spring. And the cookies, on balance, are amazing. For those of you who have no idea what any of these are — Google them. If you ever have the opportunity to get your hands on some of them, it’s worth the effort.
That said, some cookies are better than others, and that’s where we come in. Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of Girl Scout Cookies.
5 stars — Samoas
There are going to be people who will argue with this in the comments (there always are) but I’m going to stick my neck out and say that Samoas are pretty much the perfect cookie. These wafer cookies look like flattened donuts, but the combination of the crispness of the cookie with the chewiness of the caramel and coconut, with just a hint of chocolate, creates a party in your mouth. It is not uncommon for those in possession of Samoas to devour the entire box in one sitting. I mean, that’s true of ALL Girl Scout cookies, but especially these.
Alas, no Tottenham players reached these giddying heights of cookie stardom.
4.5 stars — Tagalongs (Peanut Butter Patties)
Chocolate and peanut butter are a classic pairing, and this cookie gets it exactly right. There’s a crispy cookie base, a sweetened (but not overpowering) peanut butter layer on top, and the whole thing is smothered in good quality chocolate. You’ve had wafer peanut butter cookies before, but nobody does them better than the Girl Scouts. My only complaint is that they really should cram a few more into a box. So I can eat them. At once.
Harry Kane (Community — 4.0): There were a few bright spots in this match, and Harry was obviously one of them. Both of his goals were well taken and he should’ve had a third except for an amazing save. Can’t blame Harry for this result, he did just about everything he could.
Hugo Lloris (Community — 3.5): I thought Hugo had a pretty outstanding match despite conceding two goals. Made a couple of incredible stops, including one literally with his ass. Put an average keeper in goal and we lose that match.
4 stars — Thin Mints
If they’ve made it this far without going to the comments to complain about it, the wailing of the Thin Mint Stans is deafening. Let’s be clear — Thin Mints are an outstanding cookie. The mint is not cloying, and they’re thin enough that you can, if you want, make a box last longer than you can others on this list. Proponents will say to throw them in the freezer before eating, and they’re right — frozen, Thin Mints jump up almost to the level of Samoas. In their natural straight out of the box state, they can’t... quite... compete with the ones above.
Tanguy Ndombele (Community — 3.5): Tanguy’s passing was pretty impressive and he looked energetic on the ball for much of the match. Got an assist for Kane’s second goal. I was happy. More of that, please.
3.5 stars — S’mores (chocolate covered version)
There’s a substantial gap between the cookies above this category and those below it, but that’s not to say that any of these are bad. S’mores are one example, but there’s a catch — there are actually TWO VERSIONS of this cookie, depending on where you live. This rating is for the revised cookie which has a layer of marshmallow covered with chocolate. If your area still sells the standard Oreo-style wafer cookies with the chocolate/marshmallow filling, well I’m sorry for your loss. Get better Girl Scouts.
Joe Rodon (Community — 3.0): If there’s a player in the back line who came out looking the best after this match, it’s Joe. His speed and positioning were pretty good, and he had some important blocks. Not a perfect performance, but he was better than most of his teammates.
3 stars — Dosidos
Dosidos are a perfectly okay peanut butter cookie as far as they go. I’m certainly not turning one down if offered by an adorable pigtailed Girl Scout. But while the peanut butter filling matches well with the peanut butter oatmeal outer cookies, there’s just no denying that this is the inferior peanut butter Girl Scout cookie. Why buy these when you can buy Tagalongs? You’ll just end up disappointed with the comparison.
Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg (Community — 3.0): Boy, Mou sure has run this dude into a buzzsaw, hasn’t he? Pierre’s performances have taken some steps backwards from the calm, assured matches a couple of months ago. He was okay today, but not like what we expect.
Giovani Lo Celso (Community — 3.0): A mixed match for Gio, and he still shows signs that he’s trying to shake off the rust. Some good moments including in the buildup to Kane’s first goal, but also got marked out of the match at times.
2.5 stars — Trefoil shortbread
Look, I love a good shortbread cookie. There’s something pleasant about the simplicity of such a cookie that in its purest state is just butter, flour, sugar, and salt. It’s also neat that these shortbread cookies come stamped with the Girl Scouts logo. Unfortunately, Trefoils are just too plain to make any sort of impression compared with their competitors. The competition is stiff, and these just don’t stand out.
Japhet Tanganga (Community — 2.5): His bad pass led to Joelinton’s opening goal, and struggled with the pace of Newcastle’s attackers. He’s young and will have these sorts of matches now and then, so I’m inclined to be easier on him. But it wasn’t a very good match.
Carlos Vinicius (Community — 2.5): I want to give Carlos a small amount of credit for his pressing from the front, but in terms of doing the strikery things we need strikers to do in Mourinho’s system, he just didn’t bring it today.
Erik Lamela (Community — 2.5): Man, I struggle with this. On the one hand, Coco’s directness and workrate turned the second half around after a spell of pretty dismal attacking, and the team looked much better after his sub. On the other hand OMG RELEASE THE BALL EARLY AND PASS IT TO SON COCO HE WAS WIDE OPEN ARGLEBLARGLASLDFJLAJSLFLAKSOIWEJ
Son Heung-Min (Community — 2.5): His first match back from a hamstring injury, and I don’t think anyone expected him to knock our socks off. Didn’t impress going forward but hard to know whether that was him or just the overall malaise of the team.
2 stars — Toffeetastic
I give the Girl Scouts credit for sticking their necks out on this one — Toffeetastics are gluten-free shortbread cookies with toffee bits mixed in, and it’s great that they are reaching out to accommodate those with dietary restrictions. They’re just not very good. The cookies are overly hard and dry, and the flavor of the toffee just doesn’t pop the way it should. I give an A for effort, but a C- for execution.
Davinson Sanchez (Community — 1.5): Davi had a very bad game. It’s been hinted I should bend the bit rules about 1-star ratings again to reflect this. However, Davi got racially abused on social media after this match, and so fuck that, I feel sorry for him and I’m giving him two stars. Deal with it.
Lucas Moura (Community — 2.5): A regression from the swashbuckling forward attacking performances of the past few weeks. I wish he’d helped Reggie out on the wing defensively a bit more as well.
Sergio Reguilon (Community — 2.5): Maybe he’s just not fully back from his injury. Maybe it’s something else. Sergio was pretty emphatically not great against Newcastle on Sunday. He got dribbled several times over the course of the match, and lost Willock for the equalizing goal. Bad.
Jose Mourinho (Community — 2.0): Again set up this team to not play to its strengths and again threw his players under the bus after a predictable outcome. Get this jackass out of my club.
1 star — Lemon-Ups / Lemonades (tie)
Critics will simply assert that I don’t like lemon. False. I like lemon just fine. I just don’t like these lemon cookies. Either of them, in fact, and I assert that while you can make an argument for one citrus cookie in the pantheon, there’s absolutely no need for two of them. And the one that should exist is the powdered-sugar coated Savannah Smile, which was replaced by the Lemon-Ups, and which to me tastes like a bathroom spray air freshener. The less said about the Lemonades, a sandwich cookie light on the lemon and instantly forgettable, the better.
No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as Girl Scout lemon-flavored cookies.
Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating
Gareth Bale