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Tottenham 2-0 Wolves: Player ratings to the theme of destinations for Harry Kane

I feel bad for Tottenham. But this is tremendous content.

Tottenham Hotspur v Wolverhampton Wanderers - Premier League Photo by Adrian Dennis - Pool/Getty Images

Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. The good news of Tottenham Hotspur’s 2-0 win over Wolves on Sunday was completely overshadowed by the media frenzy that accompanied the leak that Harry Kane wants to leave Spurs this summer. The news itself wasn’t entirely surprising — we’ve suspected that this was the case for a while now — but that it’s coming when Spurs are trying to finish the season strong and search for a new manager makes it a little panic-inducing. And we still need to talk about a pretty decent performance by Spurs over a Wolves team that was more or less on the beach.

So the theme practically writes itself today. Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings for their 2-0 win over Wolverhampton Wanderers to the theme of future destinations for Harry Kane.

5 stars: Tottenham Hotspur

Don’t go, Harry. Stay and become a legend, the one-club man who becomes an icon for decades. Tottenham’s Totti. Totti-ham Hotspur. Just stay.

There were some good performances against Wolves, but I wouldn’t put any of them at five stars.

4.5 stars: PSG

Let’s be honest — if Kane HAS to go, isn’t this just the perfect destination? PSG are flush with funding from the Qatari Sovereign Wealth Fund (ick) so we’d likely get at or close to Levy’s asking price, he’d be reunited with Mauricio Pochettino, and he’d be over in France so we’d never have to worry about having to play against him, at least for the next year or so. Bon voyage, Harry. Merci pour tous les souvenirs.

Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg (Community — 4.5): Had some serious trouble with Adama Traore in the center of the park and still looks like he needs a double leg transplant, but hey — he looked better than he has in a while, and had a goal and assist! That should be rewarded.

Dele (Community — 4.0): Nobody has benefitted more from Mourinho’s sacking and Ryan Mason’s tenure than Dele, who not only looks like a top level professional footballer again but looks like he’s having fun. Still not at his best, but his pressing was again excellent and he was very involved in Spurs’ buildup. He wants to play in the EUROS, and he made a strong case in front of Gareth Southgate on Sunday.

4 stars: Real Madrid

The scuttlebutt is that Harry would like to stay in England, but would consider moving to Spain. Step up, Florentino. This feels unlikely because Madrid are at a pivot point right now, but they could probably shake the couch cushions for spare change or magic up his transfer fee by legitimate or less-than-so means, and I would be curious to see how Kane would do in La Liga.

Harry Kane (Community — 4.0): Is now the Premier League goal leader with his strike right at the cusp of halftime, one of those vintage Kane goals that looks easy but was actually quite tricky to get right. Wolves were on the beach, but he’s so important to the way Spurs play. (Please don’t go.)

Sergio Reguilon (Community — 4.0): That’s more like it. Looked much more dynamic offensively in this match than in the past, and while he had some trouble at times defensively it was a much more assured performance.

Japhet Tanganga (Community — 4.0): Super strong performance at right back, and Japhet is both sneaky quick and has good defensive instincts. Had some trouble with Adama (who is a load) but always found a way to recover, and got free to put a header over the bar. Maybe Spurs don’t need an Aurier replacement after all? Picked up a cheap yellow card late.

Gio Lo Celso (Community —3.5): I’m seeing so many bad GLC takes on social media — I thought he was really good on Sunday! Had a shot cleared off the line, but also pressured well in midfield winning a bunch of balls and was a solid link to the more offensive players. Luka Modric got the same (bad) criticism.

3.5 stars: Barcelona

See above, but Barca are broke boys and so it’s less likely to happen. Plus, they want Aguero.

Ryan Mason (Community — 3.5): He won, yay! But it’s clear he’s found his Spurs starting XI and probably isn’t much interested in any tactical tinkering or innovation from now until the end of the season. Just play Tanguy and Rodon, tho.

Gareth Bale (Community — 3.5): Still oozes class from a technical standpoint, but is a defensive liability. Having Tanganga behind him to mop up certainly helped, but I worry about him against high-pressure sides. Had a rocket of a shot saved (which led to Hojbjerg’s mop-up goal).

Toby Alderweireld (Community — 3.5): Both Spurs central defenders had moments of quality and moments of “uhhh” — Toby’s uhhh moment came when he let Saiss behind him in the first half. Otherwise, a pretty solid showing against a Wolves attack that can be dangerous.

3 stars: Manchester City

Ouch. Kane’s pursuit of domestic league honors is important to him, but the number of English clubs that can afford him can be counted on less than one hand, and City feels like the best of these options, if only because I’m already resigned to the fact that they’re going to be winning titles for the foreseeable future and I don’t hate them as much as the other options. Plus, maybe we could get Gabriel Jesus as part exchange? That’d be okay.

Hugo Lloris (Community — 3.5): Not much to do, overall. A few comfortable stops, never seriously tested.

Eric Dier (Community — 3.0): He was fine and wasn’t actively damaging to Tottenham’s back line, which feels like an improvement.

Harry Winks (Community — 3.0): By the time Winksy came in Spurs were already up 2-0 and had taken their foot off the gas slightly. I have no particular complaints about Winks in this match apart from my ongoing fury that he keeps not being Tanguy Ndombele.

2.5 stars: Manchester United

Here’s the thing: United could absolutely pull together enough cash to afford a bid for Kane. However, United are really only a year or two ahead of us in terms of being able to challenge for titles, and their squad isn’t that young anymore either. If there’s a sideways move for Kane, this is probably it, if his goal is to win titles before he retires.

Son Heung-Min (Community — 3.5): Feel like Sonny kind of rode the wave here in this match. Had one shot that tested Rui Patricio but otherwise was kind of a non-factor. He didn’t have to carry the team... which is probably good because he wasn’t great on Sunday.

1 star: Chelsea

My head says that this could work if we can get someone coming the other way such as Tammy Abraham or Timo Werner. It might actually end up a good trade for everyone involved! My heart, however, says “EW EW EW EW EW GROSS NO EW EW EW EW” and I don’t think there’s any chance that Daniel Levy would ever do it.

No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as Chelsea potentially getting Harry Kane.

Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating

Tanguy Ndombele, Moussa Sissoko