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The Hoddle of Coffee: Tottenham Hotspur News and Links for Thursday, July 15

theories on mustaches

Tottenham Hotspur Pre-Season Training Session Photo by Tottenham Hotspur FC/Tottenham Hotspur FC via Getty Images

Hello, all!

Since Nuno Espírito Santo showed up, we’ve been talking about facial hair more than we usually do around here, haven’t we? Shall we continue, then?

Ramble of the Day

Somewhat recently, I developed a theory: there are not a lot of great mustaches. The theory was probably a long time coming, considering I’ve seen bad mustaches and realized good mustaches are harder to come by. A mustache paired with some other facial hair feels like an easier look to rock, and a strong beard even easier. The solo mustache, though, seems hardest to rock.

It was a theory, though, that required further thought, research, and investigation, so it sat in my notes for a little while. When I was ready to pick the topic up again yesterday, I could think of only three great mustaches belonging to somewhat prominent people — American actor Tom Selleck, Indian actor Anil Kapoor, and LA Galaxy midfielder Sacha Kljestan (below).

SOCCER: MAY 13 MLS - Atlanta United FC at Orlando City SC Photo by Joe Petro/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

The bare bones of my theory began with Kljestan, but realizing Selleck and Kapoor are the mustache guys of their industries helped solidify something I needed to research — how few great mustaches are there? Is the group so small that you could narrow it down to only one mustache per broad group, like MLS players or Hollywood actors or Bollywood actors? Is it just that I forgot a lot of great mustaches just because I’d only put a few minutes of thought into the matter?

There’s an easy answer to the last question: Yes. I asked the Cartilage Free Captain writers’ room for some assistance, and they were great help. There were a wide range of answers, but let’s focus on the idea that there’s only one great mustache per broad group and pick Hollywood actors. The writers’ room reminded me that Brad Pitt can grow a nice mustache when he chooses, that Nick Offerman had a pretty iconic one as Parks and Recreation’s Ron Swanson, and that Sam Elliott (below) also has a great mustache.

2019 Plaza Classic Film Festival Photo by Rick Kern/Getty Images

Clearly, there are more than a few people who can sport a nice mustache. Even though the group of men with great mustaches is larger than I once thought, this group might still be on the smaller side. Then comes the obvious question: Why?

I did not have the time to consult an expert, but two theories I either already had or gathered from the writers’ room:

  • Not everyone has the ability to grow a proper mustache.
  • Not everyone has the right amount of space in between their nose and mouth to truly rock a mustache.

You can think of the above points separately or together, but it suggests that mustaches exist in small numbers not out of a lack of interest, but out of an inability to do the mustache justice. (I also find support for this possibility in “Moustache,” France’s 2014 Eurovision entry from Twin Twin. The song is about a man who has everything but a the mustache he wants.)

It is also worth mentioning that the amount of great mustaches most likely varies from region to region. Mustaches have more cultural importance to some than others, and are certainly more popular in some places. I can speak for the country I live in, but mustaches are certainly more popular now in the United States than they were not so long ago.

To write truthfully, I feel I’ve only scratched the surface in proving or disproving my initial theory. I feel positive great mustaches come in small numbers among famous people in the United States, and perhaps parts of western Europe. For certain, it requires more research on my end to know one way or another about any other group of people, and famous people in a few places is a small group of people.

tl;dr: I had a theory that there are a small amount of great mustaches, and while I explore a lot of angles, I don’t think I have a definitive answer.

Stay informed, read this: England’s Jadon Sancho condemns the racist abuse he and his teammates received after the Euro final in a letter on Twitter

Links of the Day

Greater Manchester Police arrested a man for racially abusing England’s Black players on social media.
Additionally: Portsmouth and the FA are investigating members of the club’s U-18 team for racially abusing the players in a group chat.

England’s Harry Maguire said his father’s ribs were damaged by ticketless fans at Wembley.

San Diego’s incoming NWSL club hired Casey Stoney as the team’s first manager.

Marcus Rashford will be out until October with a shoulder injury.

MLS’ CF Montréal and Toronto FC can return home after Canada eased COVID-19 travel restrictions for vaccinated residents.

Transfers: PSG signed Gianluigi Donnarumma on a free; Crystal Palace signed Remi Matthews on a free

A longer read: Maya Wolfe-Robinson on the scene at the Marcus Rashford mural in Withington, where well-wishers provided a strong rejection of the racism he faced for the Guardian