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Wolves 0-1 Tottenham: player ratings to the theme of angry Arsenal fans in this photo

Why yes, we are EXACTLY this juvenile.

Arsenal v Chelsea - Premier League Photo by Michael Regan/Getty Images

This is a Tottenham Hotspur blog but today’s theme is not about Tottenham Hotspur. Instead, let’s all have a good laugh at Arsenal, who started the season 0-2 with losses at Brentford and, on Sunday, a 2-0 home loss to Chelsea.

A couple years back, we did a deep-dive shitpost ratings theme to a photo of angry Chelsea fans being riled up by Dele after he scored on them. It was great. It almost won our COVID-time Best Carty Free Articles bracket.

We haven’t done one of those for a while, but this particular photo presented itself after appearing in my timeline, and well, I couldn’t really turn the opportunity down.

It pains me a bit to use a photo from a Chelsea win, but not as much as it makes me happy to see Arsenal fans so unhappy. Is that juvenile of me? Absolutely. So is using header photos of Harry Kane falling over, repeatedly. I regret nothing.

Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings for their 0-1 away win over Wolves, to the theme of angry Arsenal supporters in the background of this photo. Enjoy.

5 stars:

What’s the first thing you saw when you looked at that photo? Was it this guy? It was this guy, wasn’t it? Despite the fact that he’s an (*cough*) awfully big target, there is just something about a gammon like this who looks like a cross between Wayne Rooney and the guy who just got fired from Jeopardy! going full aggro while wearing an Emporio Armani t-shirt. This is just peak Arsenal.

No Tottenham fans reached these giddy heights.

4.5 stars:

I gotta hand it to this guy, he might be suffering through what is likely a historically poor Arsenal season, but he really knows how to flip the bird. That is a middle finger extended with the confidence of someone who has done it many, MANY times. There is confidence in that fuck-you gesture. I almost respect it.

Dele (Community — 4.0): Another great match from Dele in his new role as, as Nuno calls him, “a runner.” He covered the most distance of anyone in the side, was again wonderful in the press, and earned (and converted) the penalty. Not a perfect match, but in a game where nobody was GREAT, he was the “goodest” and I will fight anyone who calls him lazy ever again.

Hugo Lloris (Community — 4.5): Faced a barrage of shots from Wolves that thankfully were mostly off target. Still was there when it counted and kept Spurs in this match, and his long passes from deep started a number of good counters.

4 stars:

This one is my personal favorite. The majority of fans in this photo are angry, livid even that Chelsea would have the AUDACITY to score in their HOME STADIUM. But not these two. These are a different breed of fan. There’s no denial here. They are fully in the “depression” stage of grief, and quite possibly starting to move to “acceptance.” They understand. They GET it. This isn’t just a Reece James goal. This is just what Arsenal IS now.

Steven Bergwijn (Community — 3.5): Again was very direct with the ball. I don’t think he was quite as impactful as he was against City and I’m still waiting for him to score, but I’m giving him four stars solely for this move. I mean, just LOOK at this shit! Also had a nice backheel pass to the Tottenham #10.

Sergio Reguilon (Community — 3.5): Not a perfect performance, but I was once again impressed with Reggie’s defensive positioning in this match, and his industry in getting forward. His through ball to Dele for the PK was lovely. Would be nice if he could get forward even more.

3.5 stars:

When you’re into the Arsenal AND Duck Dynasty.

Giovani Lo Celso (Community — 3.0): I was screaming for Gio to see the pitch earlier than when he came in, but he did change the game upon his sub. Spurs pretty quickly started to impose themselves on the match and Gio looked good in possession on the right side. He needs to get to full fitness quickly, because we need him back at CM as soon as possible.

The Tottenham #10 (Community — 3.0): Fair play to that Spurs academy graduate, when he came on he gave it his all and put in a pretty good shift. I think he might have a future here at Spurs.

3 stars:

The juxtaposition here is what really makes this photo. The guy on the right? Full-fledged young North London aggro. Can you hear what he’s saying? Not really, but you KNOW what he’s shouting, right? His friend, though — he’s the American philosophy student at Oxford on a one-year visa, new to football, first time at the Emirates, just taking everything in and inwardly laughing his fool head off at the absurdity of it all. It’s all straight out of Camus.

Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg (Community — 3.5): Pierre did a ton of defensive work helping out on Traore, which was important and necessary work, but it meant he wasn’t able to do the midfieldy things that is needed to make the midfield actually, y’know, exist.

Eric Dier (Community — 3.5): Apart from one major mistake (you know the one), Dier was actually pretty decent and nearly scored off of a set piece with a flick-on header at close range. He and Davinson were under a ton of pressure all match and dealt with it well.

Davinson Sanchez (Community — 3.5): Got spun a few times by Jiminez and Traore, but was otherwise pretty solid against a Wolves side that normally has goals in it and that can be a headache for any defense. I think he’s done nearly enough to convince me that his performances last year had as much to do with Mourinho’s tactics as his own ability and confidence.

Son Heung-Min (Community — 3.0): There were suggestions that Sonny had a mild injury issue pre-match and he looked really slow and off his usual pace throughout. Nuno confirmed that there was an issue and that he will be assessed for an injury after the match. Even so, he had one good breakaway that forced a very good save from Sa.

Nuno Espirito Santo (Community — 3.5): This was a Jose Mourinho performance. The only difference is that Spurs didn’t retreat into their shell and concede late. And that’s an improvement! I’m worried, though, that Nuno just doesn’t know how to set up a working midfield, which could make Spurs really painful to watch at times.

2.5 stars

You might think I’m focusing on the guy in the plaid shirt. Oh no. I chose this because of the guy BEHIND the plaid shirt guy. This isn’t a guy who rages publicly. He is the guy who is looking away from the action, plotting the best way to get to the players’ car park to slash Reese James’ tires. Revenge is a dish best served cold, and he’s thinking about a crudo platter right now.

Japhet Tanganga (Community — 3.5): After a week where he kept Raheem Sterling and Jack Grealish in his pocket, he had a MUCH tougher time with Adama Traore, which to be fair was a really tough job. Picked up a relatively early yellow which reduced his physicality somewhat, and though he did okay, he let Traore past him way too often. Also was not a very good outlet going forward, though he had one nice cross to the back post for Dele.

2 stars

There’s one in every crowd, and this is that one. Say hello, Random Guy Giving the Wanker Sign. Thank you for your service.

Oliver Skipp (Community — 3.0): I feel like these early ratings for Skipp should come with a huge caveat, namely that he’s being thrown into a situation that he’s just not ready for. He nearly gave up a penalty (it probably should’ve been one tbh). His profligacy with the ball and struggles to quickly read the game state were big reasons why Spurs struggled so much in midfield in this match. He improved slightly later on, but not enough. Skippy’s got tons of potential, and you can make a cogent argument that these are the sorts of matches he needs to play through in order to get better. But then make that argument and don’t pretend that he’s been outstanding, when he hasn’t been! I’m sorry. I like him. I think he’s going to be good and I want him to succeed. He was not very good on Sunday and it’s perfectly ok to say so.

Lucas Moura (Community — 3.0): If last weekend was Lucas at his best, this Sunday was why Spurs fans get so frustrated with him. He retreated into his unfortunate pattern of dribbling into cul-de-sacs, coughing up the ball, and bad passing instead of receiving the ball and breaking the lines. Subbed off for Gio, and deservedly. Wolves surely had a lot to do with that, but gaaaaah. He’s so infuriating to watch sometimes.

1 star

For the one-star image, I decided to go with the person who I would identify as the worst person in the crowd that day. And it’s this guy. Don’t ask me to explain how I know. Don’t ask me why it’s true. It just is, and god help us all.

No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as this guy. THIS GUY. This fucking guy.

Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating

Harry Winks

Erik Lamela Memorial Shithouse Award

Pierre Hojbjerg — Nobody was a TRUE whole-game shithouse, but Pierre did put in a really cynical professional foul late in the half that prevented a Wolves breakaway and potentially a goal. You’ve seen players get sent off for that. He probably should’ve been. Instead he got a yellow and Spurs won. Erik would’ve been proud.