Tottenham Hotspur won their third consecutive match on Sunday, defeating Watford 1-0 to go top of the table after week 3. It was the third straight 1-0 win for Spurs under Nuno Espirito Santo, which is fine, but it’s had a few people wondering what Spurs need to do to score a few more goals.
The game is a year old now, but Crusader Kings 3 is and continues to be one of my favorite PC games. As much of a storytelling vehicle as a historical invade-and-conquer game, CK3 puts you in charge of any one of hundreds and hundreds of different world leaders across Europe, the far east, and northern Africa in two different time periods: 876 AD and 1066 AD. You can start as a lowly count or a mighty emperor. It’s a game of intrigue, marriage, breeding, and warfare. You play as one character, and if that character dies you get to play as your heir, assuming you have one. You can play that way for generations, leading your family from humble beginnings to a world-spanning dynasty. The depth is astounding. It’s great.
What’s even better are the patch notes. There are so many opportunities for various permutations and interactions that there are always things to tweak, because the complexity of the game is so huge. And whoever does the patch notes for CK3 are obviously having fun.
So I’m rating this match to my favorites from these notes, which are publicly available. I promise, I didn’t make ANY of these up. And keep in mind that these are CHANGES, which means all of these things were previously possible to do within the game under the right conditions.
Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of Crusader Kings 3 patch notes.
5 stars: You can no longer mistake your infant child for a serial killer
Don’t you hate it when that happens?
No Tottenham players were this good.
4.5 stars: Intelligent women no longer confront their pregnant lesbian lover to ask if they are the father of that child. Stupid women however, still have a chance to ask that question.
Good to know.
No Tottenham players were this good either.
4 stars: People will no longer judge you harshly for breaking a betrothal to an Eunuch
Yes, this is a thing. And now you won’t be judged for it. No shaming here, love is love.
Davinson Sanchez (Community — 4.0): The Sanchezissance continues. He looks so much better with a structured system and screeners ahead of him protecting him. Solid positioning, no mistakes, three tackles, three interceptions. Good stuff.
Dele (Community — 3.5): Another solid match from him in that terrier-like pressing midfield role. Outstanding again in the press. If only he’d gotten a boot on that chance at the far post.
Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg (Community — 4.0): Continued to play well in a true double pivot with Skipp. Stout defensively and had some line busting passes from deep that at times were Spurs’ main source of offense.
3.5 stars: Karen is now a vassal to the Tahirid in 867 AD
And that vassal WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER.
Eric Dier (Community — 4.0): Another solid if not spectacular defensive performance. Had a goal line clearance and otherwise was solid positionally.
Son Heung-Min (Community — 4.0): This seemed like a match in which Sonny would struggle due to the compact nature of Watford’s defense. And he did, kinda — not a ton of space to work with out there. His free kick goal was good even if he didn’t intend to score there. His game opened up more in the second half.
Nuno Espirito Santo (Community — 4.0): Nuno-ball seems to work pretty well against a certain kind of team. It’s certainly better than what we saw last year and you can’t argue with the results. I just wish it were... IDK, exciting. We have a super fun front line, but we’re not getting the most out of them at the moment.
3 stars: The Cucumber King is no longer unintentionally a kinslayer due to an wrongly assigned father.
The Cucumber King is actually referring to Nyaung-u Sawrahan, King of the Pagan dynasty in Burma starting around 956 AD. Apparently he killed the previous king after said king stole a cucumber from his field. And yes, you can play him, but not as a kinslayer. Because that would be WEIRD.
Oliver Skipp (Community — 3.5): I was unimpressed with Skippy in the first half — a bad defensive play within the first minute and a number of passes a half step behind their intended target — but he was markedly improved in the second half with a series of good progressive balls through the middle. Three tackles and 93% passing. Shows for the ball well. Not too bad in the end, though I still don’t think he pairs well with Hojbjerg. His defense was also a little concerning at times.
Steven Bergwijn (Community — 3.0): Stevie continues to serve as a useful outlet in midfield, and his passing was also quite good. I’d like to see him take more chances in attack, though.
Lucas Moura (Community — 3.5): He was fine. Looked dangerous on a couple of attacks, was nice to have him come in and run at tired legs.
Hugo Lloris (Community — 3.5): Didn’t have much to do overall, but stopped the easy shots that Watford mustered.
2.5 stars: Physicians can now treat themselves, and they’re also more likely to “mess up” your treatment if they’re trying to murder you.
Think I’ll just take a couple of aspirin, thanks.
Sergio Reguilon (Community — 3.5): Tough task containing Sarr and did a decent job of it, though didn’t get forward nearly as much as what I expected. Disappointing.
Japhet Tanganga (Community — 3.5): For the second straight week, Tanganga had a tough defensive assignment and struggled. As a young player I think he needs these kinds of matches to get better, but Spurs probably would’ve been better with a more attack-minded right back on Sunday.
Harry Kane (Community — 3.0): IDK, I wasn’t impressed at all with Kane’s output here. Watford’s defense had a bit to do with it but he wasn’t really getting into good scoring positions. Had a penalty shout waved off, a few nice passes and missed a wonderful chance late, but only had one shot, looked gassed and really wasn’t fully into the match.
2 stars: You will no longer call people “vile” as a friendly greeting
But what if that person is John Terry?
No Spurs players reached this nadir.
1 star: You cannot confide in a friend you don’t have
God, just rub it in, Crusader Kings 3. Pain.
No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as confiding in a friend you didn’t have.
Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating
Erik Lamela Memorial Shithouse Award
Harry Kane — Another match without a true recognized shithead, though Harry comes close for going through the back of Sarr’s shins and earning a yellow card.