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Crystal Palace 3-0 Tottenham: player ratings to the theme of things burning in the Getty photo editor

Burning down the house.

Greek Island Of Evia Strangles With Aftermath Of Wildfires And Drought Photo by Dominika Zarzycka/NurPhoto via Getty Images

Tottenham Hotspur went to Selhurst Park on Saturday and went down in flames, losing 3-0 off of a Wilfried Zaha penalty and a Edsonne Edouard brace on his first Premier League appearance.

It was a trash fire. A flaming dumpster. A pit of burning misery. Whatever you want to call it. Today’s player ratings theme almost chooses itself.

Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings (out of five stars) to the theme of photos of things burning that I found in the Getty editor. Burn it all down.

(Yes, we’re starting with 3 stars.)

3 stars


Autumn weather Sep 9th 2021 Photo by Owen Humphreys/PA Images via Getty Images

Lucas Moura (Community — 3.0): Lord knows Tottenham didn’t do much on offense, but what little there was often times involved Lucas. He had a number of good runs with the ball through midfield and got back to make a couple of key clearances on set pieces. If there were good players on Saturday, Lucas was probably among them.

Joe Rodon (Community — 3.0): Joe had a rough start to the season after picking up an early injury, but coming in for an injured Eric Dier he certainly didn’t hurt his chances for future minutes. Solid at the back, for the most part, with a couple of minor positional stumbles (and a bad job on the third goal, but everyone was bad there). Pretty good for his first match this season. He should be a regular Conference League starter.

Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg (Community — 2.5): We will talk a lot about the deficiencies of the midfield in this match, but Pierre wasn’t awful and you can hardly fault his effort. But he also ended up being the midfield’s primary ball-progresser and that’s just not his game. Hardly his fault — gosh, I sure wish we had a central midfielder with world-class ball progression skills on the bench that we could try out.

2.5 stars


ISRAEL-PALESTINIAN-CONFLICT Photo by AHMAD GHARABLI/AFP via Getty Images

Sergio Reguilon (Community — 2.5): Poor Reggie — he tried, and did a pretty good job defensively, but it looked like he and Royal were expected to generate the offense in this match, and it just didn’t happen.

Dele (Community — 2.5): Dele just didn’t have it today. He was out of position on the left of the attacking three and looked like he had no idea what to do there. Pressed well as usual but his passing was off. Not a good match.

Emerson Royal (Community — 2.5): Royal looked like a player who has had like a week to prepare for a new league in a new country with all new teammates that he can’t really communicate well with yet because he doesn’t speak the language. I saw some glimpses of potential there but I’m not going to pretend he was good — he still needs time to adjust to the pace of the Premier League and learn what he can and can’t get away with. He was also given a really tough assignment against Zaha. He gets an extra half-star from me out of pity and hope for the future.

2 stars


Fire hits Notre-Dame Cathedral in Paris, France Photo by Stoyan Vassev\TASS via Getty Images

Harry Kane (Community — 2.0): You can say that Kane didn’t have any service — he didn’t. But Kane is perfectly capable of doing extraordinary things to create his own shot or to collect the ball and he... also didn’t. First time ever in the Premier League where he had neither a shot nor a touch in the opposition box. That’s just unacceptable, no matter how garbage the midfield is. Sort it out, Harry. I know you don’t want to be here. I don’t care.

Hugo Lloris (Community — 2.5): Hugo owes Eric Dier dinner and an apology (probably more if we’re honest) for that awful throw to him out of the back that put Eric under pressure caused him to lunge at the ball, and injure himself. Hugo also had a couple other WTF moments, made a couple of good stops, and then could do little for any of Palace’s goals.

Japhet Tanganga (Community — 1.5): I don’t mind Japhet playing with an edge — that’s his game and he can do it. He actually was defending well up until the incident against Zaha. And sure, the second yellow was soft, but you just can’t make that kind of tackle when you’re already on a yellow card a minute prior for having handbags with Zaha. It was stupid. It was an easy call to send him off. And he deserved it.

1.5 stars


TOPSHOT-US-CALIFORNIA-FIRE Photo by JOSH EDELSON/AFP via Getty Images

Harry Winks (Community — 1.5): If Nuno needed any further reason to convince him that Winks really needs to be marginalized from the squad and then shipped off for a ham sandwich in January, this match should’ve done it. And strangely, I though Winks was oddly serviceable in some ways on Saturday... just not nearly enough and not in the ways that matter, like progressing the ball forward through the midfield and to the attacking band.

Oliver Skipp (Community — 2.0): I feel like by this point we have enough evidence to know that, presently, Winks just isn’t very good right now at this level. That’s not to say that he won’t be good — I think he will be — but he very much wasn’t on Saturday and there are much, much better options in Spurs’ squad at this point. He’s basically about Winks level but with the benefit of being five years younger and a much higher ceiling. Play him in the Conference League, or as a rotation to make sure Hojbjerg’s legs don’t fall off. Play Lo Celso or Ndombele in the Premier League in his position.

1.01 stars (you don’t ruin the bit)


A “Burning Man” participant holds up his arms as t Photo credit should read MIKE NELSON/AFP via Getty Images

Ben Davies (Community — 1.0): That handball. Whoof. And everything else that happened after he came on. Double whoof. Completely lost for both of Edouard’s goals and basically a giant sucking sound in the back line. May god have mercy on his soul and let us never speak of this match again.

Nuno Espirito Santo (Community — 1.0): I don’t know what Nuno was thinking here. I know he has issues with players out and injured, but rather than make the obvious sub — Bryan Gil for Son, like-for-like, he seemed to get a little too clever, bringing in Harry Winks and pushing Dele into the attacking band. The midfield was absolutely catastrophic, Nuno was slow to react, and he never even tried to roll the dice with an attacking sub even after the red card. He got it all wrong. Tanguy was RIGHT THERE. I’m worried that this is the football we’re going to see out of Tottenham from now on, and that’s scary.

1 star


Santa Ana Winds Stoke Another Wildfire in Southern California Photo by David McNew/Getty Images

No Tottenham players were as bad as a freaking FIRE TORNADO.

Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating


Eric Dier

Erik Lamela Memorial Shithouse Award


Japhet Tanganga — I almost gave this to Dele for his shithouse-grin at Jordan Ayew after fouling him by the touchline, but Japhet’s altercation with Zaha is the easy choice here. Shamed he ruined it by going Full Tekkers a minute later and getting sent off. (Never go Full Tekkers, kids)