Man United 2-0 Tottenham: player ratings to the theme of islands

Whoo boy. Tottenham Hotspur got their asses BEAT on Wednesday at Manchester United. Theater of Dreams? More like Theater of Reams, amirite?

OK, it wasn’t quite that bad. But lord, it wasn’t good. Tottenham basically laid an egg in Manchester, putting out one of, if not the, worst overall performances we’ve seen out of them this season. Losing at Manchester United isn’t unexpected — heck, it’s practically par for Spurs — and this is only their second loss of the season. Spurs are still in third place, but I think we all expected them to put up more of a fight than what we saw on Wednesday.

Today’s theme is a throwaway. Honestly, we could go into specific detail into why certain players were crap, exactly, in this performance, but do we really want to? Well, some of you might, but I don’t. So here’s your theme: islands. I’m currently on one. So is Tottenham. The joke writes itself.

Here are your Tottenham player ratings to the theme of islands.

5 stars: St. John

It has good weather, beaches, and most importantly, it’s a place where I can choose to ignore Tottenham Hotspur.

Hugo Lloris (Community — 4.5): Made a bunch of excellent saves, even though he looked a little scary at times. Is this actually an objective five star performance? Buddy, you’re missing the point.

1.01 stars: England

LOL

Everyone Else: Whoof. Bury this performance, urinate on it, salt the earth, and forget it ever happened.

[Actual community ratings below]

• Matt Doherty - 2.5
• Cuti Romero - 2.5
• Eric Dier - 2.0
• Ben Davies - 2.0
• Ivan Perisic - 2.5
• Rodrigo Bentancur - 2.5
• Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg - 2.5
• Yves Bissouma - 2.0
• Son Heung-Min - 2.0
• Harry Kane - 2.5
• Antonio Conte - 2.0
• Subs - n/a