Tottenham 0-2 Wolves: Player ratings to the theme of badly drawn Spurs caricatures

Well, that wasn’t fun. At all. Tottenham Hotspur dropped their third Premier League match in a row and their second at home this past Sunday, conceding two first half goals to Wolves and falling 2-0. It was notable in that unlike Wednesday’s loss it feels as though there were very few positives to take from this particular match, and there were a TON of poor individual performances.

I’ve been sitting on this theme for a while and this feels like a decent time to pull it out. During the close of the January transfer window, a Twitter thread came across my timeline featuring intentionally badly drawn portraits of Tottenham players from the Pochettino years from @CheapPanini. I’ve seen this account before — badly-drawn pretend-Panini caricatures is the modus operandi of Cheap Panini, and it’s pretty great — they’re clearly Spurs fans and I just hadn’t seen quite anything like it. These portraits are simultaneously hideous and also laugh out loud funny.

So after a match in which Spurs got thumped by a Wolves side that itself has an outside chance for a top four finish, let’s instead have a laugh at ugly drawings of our beloved players and former players. Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of badly drawn caricatures of Pochettino-era players. And if you want the full Twitter thread, here’s a link.

5 stars:

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No Tottenham players were this good.

4 stars:

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Alas no Tottenham players were this good either.

3.5 stars:

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Rodrigo Bentancur (Community — 3.0): It’s a telling take if Spurs’ best player on the day doesn’t manage any higher than this, but let’s look at the positives: Bentancur looks like he might be the steal of the January transfer window. Played in Sonny with a good through ball and looked very comfortable both in possession and in defense. Get him a capable partner in midfield and let’s let him cook.

3 stars:

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Harry Kane (Community — 2.5): Bless him, he tried. Eight shots, four on target, a couple of which forced Sa to make decent saves. Got pretty crappy service overall and it just wasn’t his night.

Cuti Romero (Community — 3.0): Tottenham’s defense was a horror-show, but that wasn’t due to Romero, who was essentially fine. A little wayward in possession and a little overly stuck in at times, but overall not bad. Now shift him to the right.

Dejan Kulusevski (Community — 2.5): Missed a really good opportunity to score, but an encouraging display from him in pretty dire circumstances. Has some pace, at least in bursts! Worked hard, still doesn’t know The Patterns™. Patience.

Ryan Sessegnon (Community — 2.0): Sess was absolutely no worse than anyone else out there and significantly better than some. Never even got a chance to make a impression. He probably belongs in the Tom Carroll section. Conte should send him a fruit basket or a jamon iberico or something.

2.5 stars:

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Steven Bergwijn (Community — 2.5): Was he GOOD? Debatable. Was he better than Lucas? Yes.

Antonio Conte (Community — 2.0): Gets props from me for recognizing that things weren’t working and making an early tactical shift, even if he subbed off the wrong guy. But at what point is he going to admit that 3-4-3 isn’t working with the personnel at his disposal right now?

2 stars:

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Hugo Lloris (Community — 2.0): I’ll be honest and say that my first instinct was to rate Hugo slightly higher because he had a couple of absolutely massive saves down the stretch. But any time you have a goalkeeper who is either directly or partially responsible for two goals, it’s a bad game and there’s not a ton you can do to redeem yourself. We know Hugo’s quality and it’s indisputable — this was just a really bad day at the office.

Ben Davies (Community — 2.0): Had one incredibly poor moment that directly led to a goal, then got shifted to left back and was... competent at left back? Certainly not the worst player on the pitch, but Ryan Ratty pointed out to me that all of Tottenham’s last four goals conceded have come from the space left between the LWB/LCB and the LCM. That’s Ben’s space.

Davinson Sanchez (Community — 1.5): Davi not only played poorly for the second straight match, but he made the same mistakes and looks thoroughly untrustworthy in possession. What’s going on between Conte and Joe Rodon that he’s not getting a look at this point?

Harry Winks (Community — 1.5): Was it all a fever dream? Did I hallucinate? I swear I remember Conte turning Winks into a capable central midfielder adept at The Patterns™. But this was Old Winks again — completely absent defensively, out of position, not closing people down, wayward with his passing. He improved in the second half and did some marginally good things going forward, but I’m (again) done with him in midfield.

Matt Doherty (Community — 1.5): A part of the Right Side Axis of Evil™, he was pretty useless both in attack and in defense. Right wing back continues to be a priority this summer.

Son Heung-Min (Community — 2.5): This has to be one of Sonny’s worst matches in a Spurs shirt, and it pains me to say it but he was not good. Hesitated after being played through on goal, was wayward with his shot selection, and just looks off his game. Worked hard, but in his position work rate isn’t enough.

Lucas Moura (Community — 2.0): What exactly did he DO? At least vs. Southampton he provided an assist and a hockey assist. On Sunday there was just... nothing.

1 star:

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No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as this Cheap Panini caricature of Davinson Sanchez.

Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating

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Emerson Royal