Tottenham Hotspur went to Old Trafford on Saturday hoping to snap the W-L-W-L pattern they’ve been suffering through over the past few months. They didn’t get it — stupid Cristiano Ronaldo scored a stupid hat trick and stupid United stupided their way to a stupid 3-2 win. I hated it.
In truth, it was kind of a weird match. Tottenham lost the game, but didn’t play that poorly. In fact, they outplayed United and had a higher xG. I’d go as far as to say that while there weren’t any outstanding individual performances, there also really weren’t any truly awful ones either. The loss hurts, doubly so when you think about who facilitated that loss, but there’s a lot of encouraging things you can take from it even if you acknowledge that the top four picture looks pretty bleak. (For starters — we were super close to getting a result at Old Trafford. Remember when that was basically a pipe dream?)
So let’s talk about good things today. In my book, the Oreo cookie ranks up there with the hamburger, hot dog, barbecue, and bacon-wrapped [thing] as one of the best American contributions to the culinary world. It’s a perfect cookie — two chocolate crispy wafers with a layer of creme sandwiched in between, great on their own, transcendent with a glass of milk. For a long time, that’s all we had: just the basic Oreo, and it was good. Then they invented the Double Stuf, which somehow took the Oreo and made us fight about which was better.
Today, marketers have figured out that hey, we can do all kinds of fun stuff with flavors with this basic cookie! Let’s do that! At last count there are/were more than 80 distinct varieties of Oreo cookies on the market. That’s a vast category, and there’s no way to adequately cover all of the different options out there (that’s what the comments are for!) but it also makes it fun to argue about in a player ratings article on a ridiculous Tottenham Hotspur blog.
Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of Oreo cookie flavors.
5 stars: Chocolate Hazelnut
Imagine, if you will, a double-stuf Oreo, but instead of the regular creme you have Nutella. Sounds pretty good right? That’s because it is. They’re AMAZING. You don’t get the viscous, creamy texture of Nutella, but the flavor is bang-on and they pair perfectly with the chocolate wafers. It’s not better than dipping an Oreo into a tub of Nutella, but then again what is? I live in fear that these are a limited edition flavor and will disappear with time.
No Tottenham players were this good.
4.9 stars: Original/Double-Stuf
There will be arguments that these should be separated into their own categories, but that’s more of a sectarian argument. Otherwise, it’s virtually impossible to improve on the original (except: see above).
No Tottenham players were this good either.
4 stars: Mint
Controversial? Well I don’t think so. But seriously, the mint Oreos are delicious and the best of the common and year-round flavors. Mint and chocolate are a classic pairing, and the creme is just a touch softer than some other flavors as well so you get a satisfying Oreo “gush” when you bite into it. Yum.
Dejan Kulusevski (Community — 3.5): Probably Spurs’ best offensive player in this match. Did a ton of work and gave Telles a lot to think about over the course of the match. Earned Spurs a handball penalty as well.
Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg (Community — 3.5): Solid. Really worked hard out there on both sides of the ball, making midfield tackles and quickly transitioning the ball into attack.
3.5 stars: Red Velvet Cake
I don’t know how they did it but they managed to actually make a red Oreo cookie that tastes pretty close to real red velvet cake. The cream cheese creme has the right tang, the cookies are the right color and the a solid flavor. Even if the texture isn’t there and it turns your tongue a funky color, these are a pretty damn solid cookie. They’re limited edition though, so snaffle them up when you can find them.
Eric Dier (Community — 3.0): Unlucky not score when his header was cleared off the line. Pretty solid defensive outing overall. Could he have closed down Ronaldo a bit more on the first goal? Probably. Would it have mattered? I sincerely doubt it. That was a worldy.
3 stars: Golden
I am given to understand that there are people who LOVE these. The generic Oreo knock-offs have had the “vanilla” version of sandwich cookies for decades now, so it is weird that it Oreo this long to actually go all-in, but gotta say I’m not a fan. These don’t have much of a flavor at all — just “plain.” They do, however, provide a platform for improved flavors (for example: lemon, which aren’t good but are still slightly better than these). Golden Oreos are the Wonder Bread of Oreos — people like them for some reason but I can’t for the life of me understand why,
Hugo Lloris (Community — 3.0): Some are criticizing Hugo for Ronaldo’s first goal, which I think is nuts. Don’t think there was anything Hugo could do for any of them, and had a couple of good stops otherwise.
Cuti Romero (Community — 3.0): Just got plain shoved around in the box for United’s 3rd goal. Some fine defensive moments, and a few other ones that exposed him.
Ben Davies (Community — 3.0): IDK, he was fine? Had the ball in the net but was well offside and was cromulent in defense.
Son Heung-Min (Community — 2.5): Got into tons of space on the break, but what was up with his cleats? Slipped on a number of occasions and his attacks petered out. Thought he did his hammy at one point too. Passed decently well, decision making still an issue though I thought he got a little more crap than he deserved. His big chance in the second half was probably a lot tougher than it looked.
Harry Kane (Community — 3.0): Is probably the best penalty taker in world football. United did a real number on him, though — he was pretty quiet in this match and Spurs’ midfield couldn’t find him with regularity.
Antonio Conte (Community — 3.0): Look, it was a good performance. Spurs outplayed everyone on United except CR7, and like sometimes he just does stuff like that. Would’ve liked to have seen the subs made earlier; none of them had any real impact.
2.5 stars: Berry
In theory these should be good! They are not good. There’s something about berry flavors and the chocolate Oreo cookie that just doesn’t mesh well. What should taste like a strawberry chocolate milkshake ends up cloying and somehow strangely sour. I feel the same with the lemon golden Oreos and the limited edition stuff like Limeade — Oreo should just avoid fruit altogether, unfortunately.
Matt Doherty (Community — 3.0): This was the match where the Dohertissance came crashing back down to earth. Did his part going forward, but got terrorized by Sancho defensively and was lost on United’s third.
Rodrigo Bentancur (Community — 3.0): This was the first time we’ve seen Lolo have a bad match, so it’s a little difficult to benchmark, but he really struggled with Fred’s technical ability and Pogba’s physicality.
Sergio Reguilon (Community — 3.0): Look, not his best match by a long shot but he did have the cross into the box that Slabhead turned into his own net, and that should be recognized.
2 stars: Birthday Cake
I’ve never been someone who appreciates the “flavor” of a grocery store bakery sheet-cake, which is basically what “birthday cake” flavor is. Why eat those when you can easily make a cake that’s 1000% better? So yeah, sorry, but I’m not down with taking a bad flavor and making it even worse by putting it into cookie form. Even if you add colored sprinkles to the creme.
No Tottenham players were this bad.
1 star: Peeps
I am one of those sickos whose favorite Easter candy is Marshmallow Peeps. Yes I’m serious and no you cannot dissuade me from my opinion. But as much as I love Peeps, I do NOT love Peeps in cookie form. They taste pretty similar, so I think it’s a textural issue as much as anything — Peeps are soft and squishy, and my mouth cannot reconcile the taste of squishy Peeps with the crunch and snap of an Oreo. It’s a cognitive dissonance I simply cannot abide. And for the rest of you who hate Peeps, well, you’ve already put this flavor here anyway.
No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as Peep Oreos.
0 stars: Oreo Thins
OK so I know there are people out there who don’t like the creme in Oreos and just eat the cookies (these are the same people who just take one cookie half and put the other half back in the package leaving a box full of sad half-Oreos; this works if you live with a creme lover who cobbles together custom “quadruple-stuf” cookies but otherwise it is monstrous behavior). For those people, Nabisco should just sell the cookies without the creme, not... whatever this is. It’s thin cookies with an even thinner layer of creme between them. Why would I buy this? It meets absolutely no one’s desires — not the cookie lovers, not the creme lovers, not the regular Oreo lovers, not the guilty weight-loss pursuers. They are a cookie with no market and they have no reason to exist.
No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as Oreo Thins.
Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating
Lucas Moura, Harry Winks, Steven Bergwijn
Erik Lamela Memorial Shithouse Award
Cuti Romero: presented without comment.