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Tottenham 5-0 Everton: player ratings to the theme of spiders

Wait, WHAT? Is this really a Dustin article?

Tottenham Hotspur v Everton - Premier League Photo by Marc Atkins/Getty Images

What a fun match! An inconsistent Tottenham Hotspur hosted an Everton side that turned out to be an absolute train wreck and pounded them into submission, winning 5-0. It was a match that was notable as much for Tottenham putting in a pretty good (if not exceptional performance) as it was for Everton being an absolute dumpster fire. A brace for Harry Kane, and goals from Son Heung-Min, Sergio Reguilon, and Own Goal (Tottenham’s third highest scorer if memory serves) made for a memorable night.

Now let’s talk about the theme. I have been told by several Carty Free readers over the years, both in the comments and by email, that my aversion to spiders is wrong. Spiders are banned in the comments after all, because I find them absolutely terrifying and dammit it’s my blog. These eight-legged arachnids are generally gentle creatures, they say, and serve a vital function in the ecosystem, keeping insect populations down. Some have gone as far as to say that they’re actually cute and cuddly!

And you know what, I admit that perhaps I am being unfair. So in a week when large, invasive, PARACHUTING spiders in the United States has cracked news stories and social media, and as a means of making amends, let’s dedicate today’s theme to my favorite spiders, because I actually do have some! Here are the Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of spiders.

5 stars: -Man

Hey, Spider-Man is one of my favorite comic book characters ever. He was even bitten by a radioactive spider, which sounds terrifying, but it gave him the proportionate strength and agility of a spider, so y’know, water under the bridge and stuff. And it doesn’t mean that he has to hang out with them or raise them or something, or grow eight arms. Spider-Man is great. Definitely the greatest spider ever.

35th Annual Leigh Steinberg Super Bowl Party Photo by Frazer Harrison/Getty Images

Harry Kane (Community — 5.0): Simply unplayable. Another strong outing from Harry who finally is starting to show signs that he’s emerging out of what has been a historic shot conversion slump this season. He’s only 25 goals back of Greaves.

Matt Doherty (Community — 4.5): The rise of Matt Doherty over the past few matches has been literally astonishing. Two incredible assists vs. Everton, and was a chance-creation force both on the wing and drifting centrally. I can’t wrap my brain around this, but his (small sample size) stats make him one of the best wing backs in world football right now. Ballon Doherty? Is this a thing? Let’s make it a thing.

Dejan Kulusevski (Community — 4.5): Remember how a lot of Tottenham fans decided Deki was crap after his first 20 minutes at the club? Yeah, he’s been phenomenal. Two assists vs. Everton, including setting up Reguilon just seconds into the second half. He’s looking for chance creation more than shot creation, and Spurs are better for it.

4 stars: Varys

Game of Thrones lovers, where you at? Varys is the spy-master in King’s Landing and turns out to be one of the savviest and deadliest connivers in both the books and the show. With all respect to Conleth Hill, I prefer Varys’ depiction in the books better than the show, but the idea of this powdered, effeminate, harmless looking eunuch being one of the coldest killers in all of Westeros is a pretty fun conceit.

2019 Comic-Con International - “Game Of Thrones” Panel And Q&A Photo by Albert L. Ortega/Getty Images

Benericuti Romiervies (Community — Dier 4.0, Romero 3.5, Davies 3.5): Look, I could split these three up individually but a) I love a portmanteau and b) Everton were SO BAD that all of Tottenham’s defenders did a capable job of neutering their attack. Special mention to Eric Dier for flashing a header off the crossbar and Cuti Romero for making Richarlison look like a chump. (More on that later)

Rodrigo Bentancur (Community — 4.0): Lolo continues to show why he’s so important to Spurs’ performance — his ability to lock down the midfield allows players like Hojbjerg to shine.

Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg (Community — 4.0): Pierre completed 82 passes (out of 88), more than any other player and created one big chance. Having Bentancur beside him gives him the freedom to play a little more on the front foot without having to worry as much about needing to track or defend (though he did plenty of that too).

Antonio Conte (Community — 4.5): I’m not sure Conte did anything more than play the good players and let them cook against an absolutely shambolic Everton side, but he should be given credit for getting the most out of Doherty and Sessegnon. He’s magic, you know... wait, that’s the other guy.

3.5 stars: Porsche 718 Spyder

Just look at this thing. Gorgeous. Top-notch spider.

2020 Chicago Auto Show Media Preview - Day 2

Ryan Sessegnon (Community — 3.5): I wanted that assist for Ryan, as it was a lovely fizzed cross to the near post towards Kane. A couple of weird moments defensively but overall I thought it was a strong outing, perhaps the last we’ll see from him in a while if his hamstring injury is as bad as feared.

Sergio Reguilon (Community — 4.0): Well, what a way to mark your return, huh? Scored seconds after coming on as a halftime sub and ran straight at Everton’s defense, even when Spurs took their foot off the gas.

3 stars: Spider skimmer/strainer

I don’t know how I managed to cook without one of these things. This Asian strainer has a fine — but not too fine — mesh weave and makes things like blanching vegetables, frying foods, and removing poached eggs super easy and convenient. I’ll never go without one in the kitchen again.

Spider Skimmer for CalCook Handy Tools on NOVEMBER 23, 2010. Photo by Bob Chamberlin/Los Angeles Times via Getty Images

Son Heung-Min (Community — 4.0): People are going to say this is harsh, especially since he scored a goal, but honestly this wasn’t an especially great match from Son. He looked strangely hesitant, like he was given way too much time to think about what he was doing, and severely misplayed his one-on-one chance vs. Pickford. Even his goal said more about Pickford than it did about Sonny.

Davinson Sanchez (Community — 3.5): Ehh, whatever, he was fine. If we must play him, let’s do it when up 4-0.

Steven Bergwijn (Community — 3.5): A late sub when Spurs had the match well in hand, but tested Pickford and buzzed around looking spritely.

1 star: All actual spiders

Seriously, did you think I was going to put an ACTUAL spider on this list? What are you, insane? Ain’t no itsy-bitsy spiders on MY waterspout. Squish ‘em all and let God sort it out. And I swear to god I’ll ban anyone who posts these monstrosities in the comments.

No Tottenham players were as bad as an actual spider. Or spiders.

Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating

Hugo Lloris (Community — 3.5): Honestly, Hugo’s most significant contribution to this match was making sure Dele got his farewell from the crowd afterwards. Everton offered NOTHING to concern him.

Erik Lamela Memorial Shithouse Award

Cuti Romero — We know that there’s bad blood between the Argentina and Brazil national teams, but watching Cuti put an orange-card worthy tackle on Richarlison and then post this photo on his Instagram story after the match is next-level shithousery.