Tottenham 3-0 Arsenal: player ratings to the theme of screw it everyone gets 5 stars

Happy Saturday, everyone! Is everyone still buzzing from Thursday’s 3-0 North London Derby win over Arsenal? I’m still buzzing. Harry Kane is definitely still buzzing. But you know who isn’t buzzing? Arsenal fans, who have gone full conspiracy theory over Paul Tierney and the Case Against Arsenal. It’s wild, and honestly pretty fun to watch the meltdown (mostly because this time it isn’t us).

I haven’t felt this good about a win in a very long time, so we’re celebrating in today’s theme. Everyone gets 5 stars. Emerson Royal? 5 stars. Harry Kane? 5 stars. Son Heung-Min? 5 stars. Chirpy? 5 stars. The dejected Arsenal fan who asked me about the Tottenham decal on my car window after my morning run yesterday? He gets 5 stars too.

I’ll put the actual poll ratings as I always do, but remember: everyone gets five stars today. We’re celebrating.

5 stars: Everybody

Hugo Lloris (Community - 4.0): Didn’t have to do too much in this match, but had one spectacular diving one handed stop on an Arsenal shot. Five stars.

Emerson Royal (Community - 4.0): Another exceptional defensive performance, and even contributed on the offensive side of things as well. A few hilarious skied shots over the bar, but also nearly scored. Five stars.

Davinson Sanchez (Community - 4.0): Hands up if you were terrified and demoralized when you heard Davi was starting ahead of Romero. He had a shaky opening five minutes faced with Arsenal’s press, but shook it off and put in a solid defensive performance for the majority of the match. Five stars.

Eric Dier (Community - 4.0): I love this guy and the tenacity he brings to the defensive line. Five stars.

Ben Davies (Community - 4.0): Had a ton of work to do against Nketiah and Saka and on the rare time he got beat he took one for the team, earning a shithouse yellow for hauling down Saka just outside the box. Five stars.

Ryan Sessegnon (Community - 4.0): Continues to improve with every game, which is usually right about the time when he picks up an injury and begins the cycle over again. Solid defensively, unlucky not to get an assist. Five stars.

Rodrigo Bentancur (Community - 4.0): A big part of Kane’s second goal when he nodded the ball down for Kane to head in. Improved from the Liverpool match - steady with the ball and had good energy. Five stars.

Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg (Community - 4.0): Steady Eddie once again — a solid performance with tons of running around and some good forward passing. Not quite exceptional, but in this match easily worth five stars.

Son Heung-Min (Community - 4.5): Man, what can you say about this guy? Not only did he get Rob Holding successfully sent off (well, Rob really did that himself, let’s give Sonny the credit) but earned a penalty for his team and turned around and put in a blistering performance, scoring a goal to put him within one of Mo Salah for the Golden Boot. His reaction to being substituted was also telling — he KNEW he had more goals in him. Save ‘em for Burnley, Sonny. Five stars, but I’d give 100 if I could.

Dejan Kulusevski (Community - 4.0): Strangely, didn’t have any shots or shot-creating actions in this match, which is highly unusual considering how important he was to making this offense run against Arsenal. I thought he was everywhere, operating as the guy behind the guy behind the guy. Did have the cross that led to Sonny’s penalty. Five (phantom) stars.

Harry Kane (Community - 5.0): Boy oh boy, Harry Kane sure does love a good North London Derby, doesn’t he? Say what you will about turning up for big games, he always does against that lot. Five stars, rounded up to a million.

Antonio Conte (Community - 5.0): Five stars not only for his tactical setup, but also for his celebrations and for dunking on Arteta in the post-match interview. My manager.

Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating

Lucas Moura, Steven Bergwijn, Joe Rodon. But they all get five stars too.

Erik Lamela Memorial Shithouse Award

Rob Holding - This guy. We argued in Slack whether Rob’s attempt to shithouse his way to getting Sonny sent off in this match was due to direction from Mikel Arteta or just Rob reacting to Sonny targeting him with runs from the opening kick. But it was 100% deliberate, and backfired spectacularly. You could tell both from Holding smirking after an early foul on Son and then when he deliberately kicked Sonny in the ribs (before suplexing him on the same play). Look who’s smirking now. Thanks for that, Holdinho. A true Spurs legend.