The Hoddle of Coffee: Tottenham news and links for Thursday, July 28

good morning all.

Steven Gerrard isn’t messing around with Aston Villa this season. Don’t believe me? Then take a look at the leaked fines line for the coming season:

Main theme here: Don’t be late anything. Late to training? £500. Tardy to a commercial appearance? £250. Late for a match-day meeting, walk or coach? £1,000. And it’s £200 per minute a player is late to a training session.

So don’t be late. Ever. That seems to be a big rule for Gerrard.

Also he likes a clean workspace. So no dirty feet in the shower (£100), and don’t leave tobacco product anywhere (£200, and gross). Not picking up after yourself in the dining room will set you back £100 per item, so handheld items may be the way to go for forgetful players instead of fork-and-knife foods.

Have a fancy sports car? That doesn’t excuse a player from illegal parking (£100).

But perhaps the greatest of all - Do not ever, ever forget to bring a cake on a teammate (or coach’s) birthday. That’s going to set players back £50. And also, it’s just rude to not wish someone a happy birthday or celebrate their birthday.

Birthdays can be contentious. What kind of cake does the birthday boy or girl want? Do parties get thrown? And what happens if multiple players share the same birthday, if they’re close to each other or fall during the offseason? Does every single player bring in a cake on the last day of the season?

Because if they don’t, those fines will accumulate very quickly.

So don’t forget cake. It will cost you. Literally, it will cost you £50 a day.

Also, happy birthday, Harry Kane.

Fitzie’s track of the day: I Can’t Stand the Rain, by Ann Peebles

And now for your links:

Tottenham U-18 Premier League fixtures announced

Borussia Dortmund striker Sebastien Haller out for two months after tumor operation

Transfer news: Napoli sign Kim Min-Jae

Wolves’ Raul Jimenez ruled out for at least a month due to injury ($$)

Bordeaux cleared to play in Ligue 2