Hi there. My name is Dustin and I’m a humungous nerd. Think of me as the Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons, but I also know a little bit about soccer, too I guess.
I love Star Trek. Put me up against a wall and force me to choose between Wars and Trek, I’m choosing Trek. Both are ridiculous sci-fi shows with too many weird fans, but I’ve always been drawn to Gene Roddenberry’s hopeful view of the future, complete with fun spaceships and snappy uniforms. Growing up, I empathized with Wesley Crusher and have been a Wil Wheaton fan ever since. (The odds that Wil Wheaton is a) aware of this blog and b) reads it is almost vanishingly small, but in the event that he is and does... hi, Wil. COYS.)
In recent years there’s been a slew of new Trek out on the airways, ending a fallow period after the conclusion of Enterprise. That’s good, because Trek has always been fun, even when it’s bad. We’ve done this theme before, years ago, but with all the new Trek goodness out there, I thought it was time for a revised rating.
Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings for Tottenham Hotspur’s 2-0 win at Nottingham Forest to the theme of Star Trek TV series.
5 stars: Strange New Worlds
Look, I’m just going to come out hot straight from the gate and say it: Strange New Worlds is the best Star Trek series... ever. It melds the episodic structure of The Original Series and Next Generation with the character depth of Deep Space Nine, and the modern visual effects of Discovery. It’s a Trek that carries through plot threads through episodes but isn’t serialized to the point where you don’t know what’s going on if you miss a week. And the crew, starting with Anson Mount as Captain Pike all the way down to Celia Rose Gooding’s Cadet Uhura, are varied, interesting, and kind. You know where this show ends up — with Kirk taking over — but the journey to get there through one season has been fun as hell. I’ve been waiting for this kind of show for decades.
No Tottenham players were this good.
4.5 stars: Lower Decks
Hey, I’m as surprised as all of you, honest. But wow y’all, Lower Decks is SO GOOD. It’s screamingly funny but not cringe, and almost self-referential to a fault. This is Trek for Trekkies, and while I was a little hesitant about what looked in previews to be basically “Starfleet Rick & Morty,” it has been a consistently pleasant viewing experience that isn’t afraid to make fun of itself in the best possible way.
Harry Kane (Community - 4.0): Hard to criticize him too much when he scores a brace and was an excellent penalty save away from a hat trick, even when he’s still a bit off his feed. Watch out Greavsie.
4 stars: Deep Space Nine
In retrospect, Deep Space Nine was an almost shockingly experimental show compared to what came before it. Star Trek had never before tried serial storytelling, and the choice to set it on a non-Federation space station orbiting an alien world instead of the usual ship and captain planet-of-the-week format was provocative to say the least. But after a somewhat rocky start, DS9 knocked it out of the park with its long-term character development and overarching storylines of discovery, war, and alliance. We may never see Captain Sisko again, which is sad, but boy did that show leave an imprint on what came after it.
Dejan Kulusevski (Community - 4.0): Put in a beautiful assist for Harry’s first goal and looked exceedingly dangerous going forward.
Richarlison (Community - 4.0): What a blessing it is to have a player such as Richarlison come off the bench. Added fresh legs and a spark when he came on in the second half, and put in a lovely chipped cross to Harry’s head for goal #2.
Hugo Lloris (Community - 4.0): Hugo hasn’t had a ton to do in recent matches, but came up big with a few quality saves from long-range Forest shots. Also showed his sweeper-keeper skills with a few heart-stopping rushes out from his line.
3.5 stars: Next Generation
It’s a tribute to the quality of what has come after it that Next Generation is ranked this low. It’s absolutely not hyperbole to say that Trek would not be the force that it is today without TNG — throughout its seven seasons, this show almost singlehandedly revitalized popular interest in science fiction. Setting the show 100 years after Kirk on a (gasp!) new Enterprise with a (GASP!) new captain was bold, but the quality of the cast made up for whatever it occasionally lacked in the writing department. There are Trek series that I think are better, but TNG will always be first in my heart.
Eric Dier (Community - 3.5): Got caught waaaaay up the field in possession which led to one of Forest’s best chances of the match, but otherwise was one of the main reasons why Forest were limited to such low xG chances overall.
Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg (Community - 3.5): Had some delightful forward passes in this match and really worked his socks off. Also had some shockingly poor passes, especially in the first half. I am trying very hard to to separate his performance from Conte’s tactics, and it’s still a struggle.
Ivan Perisic (Community - 4.0): This guy is insane in the best possible way.
3 stars: Original Series / Animated Series
I could probably separate TOS and TAS, but 1) there are too many categories and 2) they’re basically variants of the same show; TAS used plots of what was supposed to be a live-action “Phase 2” featuring Kirk and crew. This is the show that started it all, and while the effects are bad and the acting (at times) worse, there are plenty of examples of quality storytelling and compelling plots. You have to take it for what it is, but what it is is pretty good.
Ben Davies (Community - 3.5): Forest really focused their attacks towards Davies’ flank, and they did well to pin him back in and around Spurs’ box for much of the match. Struggled to play out from the back, a common thread in this match.
Rodrigo Bentancur (Community - 3.5): I can’t think of anything that he did really wrong. But I also can’t think of much he did that was beyond baseline good.
Son Heung-Min (Community - 3.0): No, he wasn’t especially great and no, he didn’t score. And yet, I thought Sonny looked more like himself out there today than at any other part of this young season. He was getting chances — was unlucky to get a handball in what would’ve been a good chance, dallied on the ball too long with another, fluffed an offside chance in a third. And yet, he was getting chances! Not worried yet.
Ryan Sessegnon (Community - 3.0): Added a spark when he came on for Perisic in the second half, and bodied at least one dude off the ball which was fun. But oh... that chance to Kane!
Antonio Conte (Community - 4.0): Is this really the plan? I have a hard time believing that this is really the plan. But if it is, I mean, I guess it’s working? It’s just going to take ten years off my life before it’s all over.
2.5 stars: Voyager
I watched Voyager when it aired because it was Star Trek, but at the time I never really LOVED it. However, I’ve recently started rewatching it and have found myself drawn to it more. The premise is interesting — lost starship trying to find its way home — and once you get past the Kazon and the poor Neelix writing in the early seasons, it melds into a character space opera that’s actually pretty compelling. I appreciate Mama Bear Janeway more and more now that I’m doing a rewatch. That said, it’s still just average in the Trek pantheon.
Davinson Sanchez (Community - 3.5): Davi once again put in a solid defensive performance and was very good off the ball. The problem was, on the ball he regularly gave it straight back to the opposition, which put him in a position to make those good defensive stops. See the issue? He’s a solid defender, but he just hamstrings Spurs’ development when playing out of the back and it’s hard not to think that Spurs’ somewhat anemic play and his presence in the back line aren’t related.
Emerson Royal (Community - 3.5): Boy, I dunno. Generally, I don’t think Royal has been that poor this season, but he really seemed to struggle in possession at The City Ground and was way less effective in attack than in past matches. I wonder if we’ll see Doherty or Spence midweek vs. West Ham.
2 stars: Discovery
I struggle with this. The first season of Disco was obviously one self-contained story in what was intended to be an anthology Trek series that would shift cast and time periods every season. But they shifted gears after production started and had to find a way to escape a stifling already-present canon and with tech (and characters!) that hadn’t been mentioned in any other show that came after it in the timeline. Mushroom drive? Spock’s sister?! Like, I don’t hate it, and the end-around of going (spoiler!) 800 years into the future was cute, but Disco has never felt cohesive, and its reliance on Burnham and serialized storytelling has robbed all of the support cast of necessary character development. (Can anyone tell me anything about Lts. Bryce, Christopher, or Kim? Four seasons in, most of the bridge crew are still cardboard cutouts.) But maybe the thing that bothers me the most about Discovery is that there are just too... many... speeches. It’s still Trek and I’ll still watch it for that reason, but its flaws have overshadowed a lot of Discovery’s initial promise.
No Tottenham players were this bad.
1.5 stars: Picard
I wanted to like Picard SO BADLY, and it’s a damn near tragedy that I just... don’t. I expected any modern show that features Patrick Stewart to be well written, but the writing has been one of the worst things about it. It has its moments — closure for Data! Cool new ships! Seven of Nine! — but through two seasons it has been damn near incoherent. Season three is supposed to be the last hurrah for the TNG cast. I hope this show does it justice. Sir Patrick deserves better.
No Tottenham Hotspur players were this bad either.
1 star: Enterprise
This is Sexy Trek, done very badly. I’m a little surprised that a Star Trek show with Scott Bakula isn’t very good, but... it isn’t very good, and has perhaps the worst series finale of any Trek in the canon. Yeesh.
No Tottenham Hotspur players were as poor as Star Trek Enterprise.
Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating: Prodigy
I didn’t have room for ST:P, but I wanted to at least mention it, as it’s the kid-centric animated answer to Star Wars: The Clone Wars. And through one season, it’s actually a pretty cromulent Trek adventure. It’s obviously geared towards a younger audience, but there are enough Trekky callbacks to keep adults interested, and it doesn’t talk down to its audience. Plus: Holodeck Janeway!
Yves Bissouma, Djed Spence
Erik Lamela Memorial Shithouse Award
Richarlison — Up two goals in the 85th minute, Richarlison did some cheeky little keepy-uppy tekkers alone on the sidelines, which apparently pissed off Brennan Johnson, who cleaned him entirely out. An orange card worthy challenge from Johnson, but excellent work from Richarlison to wind him up so thoroughly.