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Wolves 2-1 Tottenham: Player ratings to the theme of TARDIS interiors

It’s bigger on the inside!

Doctor Who exhibition photocall Photo by Peter Byrne - PA Images/PA Images via Getty Images

Whoof. Tottenham Hotspur lost at Wolves on Saturday 2-1 thanks to two goals in added time. It wasn’t fun. It also wasn’t exactly unexpected. Spurs were forced into wholesale changes to the starting XI and they never really ever looked comfortable out there. But now, despite some pretty significant injuries, there’s a couple of weeks now to rest and work thanks to yet another worthless international break.

It’s an exciting time if you’re a Doctor Who fan. After a long hiatus, the Tenth Fourteenth Doctor, David Tennant, is returning to the small screen for a series of specials celebrating the 60th anniversary of the show, the first of which airs on November 25. Doctor Who always gets people excited, and leaks usually start dribbling out well ahead of time. Case in point, a while back some photos were leaked of what looks like the set of the new TARDIS interior for the Fourteenth Doctor. It’s not much to go on but an enterprising fan and digital artist extrapolated and came up with what they think could be close to what we’ll see in the specials.

Oooooooooo. It got me thinking about past Doctors and their TARDISes (TARDII?). For the most part, each Doctor has had the TARDIS refresh its “desktop theme” to give a unique interior that reflects the personality of each regeneration, with the outside stuck as a blue police box. I’ve been a fan long enough to watch all of modern Who and be familiar with the classic Who, so I thought this would make a fun theme. Of course there’s only eight categories and more interiors than that, so some interiors had to be left out. But that’s okay — let’s argue.

Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of TARDIS interiors. It’s bigger on the inside than the outside.

Six Stars: Eleventh Doctor

They say your first Doctor is often your favorite, and Matt Smith’s Eleventh Doctor was what got me into Doctor Who. So maybe that makes me biased, but GOD I love this interior. It’s colorful, eclectic, whimsical, had multiple levels, and is just a little bit insane — a good choice for Smith, portraying the youngest (and possibly most unhinged) ever Doctor, and a perfect interior for the self-described Mad Man in a Box. “Hello, sexy” indeed!

No Tottenham Hotspur players, predictably, were this good.

Five Stars: Eighth Doctor

Wowwwww. We only got to see this TARDIS (and, pretty much, the Eighth Doctor himself) in the Doctor Who movie before the TV reset in 2005. But what a TARDIS! You get elements that would permeate into modern Who (large, columnar time rotor), a neat modern central structure with the metal supports, and best of all a whole cozy and quasi-Victorian living space all around the perimeter! Outstanding work. Honestly, who would want to ever leave it?

Alas, no Tottenham players were this good either.

4.5 stars: Fugitive Doctor

Is this cheating? Nah. The Fugitive Doctor was a heretofore unknown incarnation played by Jo Martin who appeared a couple of times during Jodie Whittaker’s tenure as the Thirteenth Doctor. She’s still a bit of a mystery — is she in the Doctor’s forgotten past? The future? Either way, her TARDIS is bad-ass — cool blue, with subtle roundels and a more classic panel structure. I hope we see more of this TARDIS interior in the future.

Nope, nobody here.

Four Stars: Seventh Doctor

Classic Who had more or less similarish TARDIS interiors — white or light color schemes, persistent white roundels, multi-sided consoles, and a stubby central column. This one is, I feel, the best. Such a classic, clean design. The sterility is broken up by the presence of the hat stand; a gentleman Doctor should never travel through time and space without one.

Guglielmo Vicario (Community — 4.0): Despite Wolves’ large number of shots, Elmo didn’t have much to do and couldn’t do anything about either goal.

Ben Davies (Community — 3.0): Spurs were pretty poor on the day, but I’m not sure the central defenders could’ve done much more than they did, particularly Davies who put in a number of important tackles and challenges. Spurs were bad, but Davies was pretty good.

Pedro Porro (Community — 3.5): Probably Tottenham’s best player on the day. Got the assist for Johnson’s goal and was one of Spurs’ only reliable source of ball progression.

3.5 stars: Twelfth Doctor

The Twelfth Doctor’s TARDIS wasn’t really original — it was first created by his predecessor in the wake of his sadness after losing companions Amy & Rory. The transformation of the 11th Doctor’s desktop theme from the six star category to this was striking. Even more striking was that the 12th Doctor kept it, tweaking only some minor colors (orange time rotors from green) and adding some vintage furniture for some softness and contrast. A darker, harder interior for a darker, moodier Doctor.

Brennan Johnson (Community — 3.5): In the right place at the right time (making the right run) for his first Spurs goal and again showed flashes of excitement but also again didn’t have many touches considering the amount of running he put in.

Giovani Lo Celso (Community — 3.0): Was flying around like the Eleventh Doctor, at times close to out of control. But he offered a spark that no one else did and he nearly got Spurs a second goal with a good shot that forced a better save from Jose Sa. He should start in Maddison’s absence.

3 stars: First Doctor

It’s certainly not my favorite but credit where due — the very first TARDIS interior set the stage for everything that came after it. And while it’s clearly dated, the roundels are there, as is the six-sided console and a rather sparse interior. The OG isn’t bad, but it’s certainly not the best... or the worst.

Eric Dier (Community — 2.5): Honestly, Dier was mostly... fine? Sure, Wolves players got past him on both goals when he looked obviously exhausted, but I’d yell more about the midfield for both of them. He doesn’t have the pace for Ange-Ball but he did about as well as he could in that situation.

Pape Sarr (Community — 3.0): Ange hinted that Sarr could play as a more attacking CM, and that’s what he did on Saturday, ostensibly playing the Maddison role, but less effectively. You could see the appropriate tools in his toolbox, but he doesn’t yet have the skills to be effective there.

Dejan Kulusevski (Community — 3.0): Bless him, he tried. Worked hard and had an involvement in the early goal but never really found an opening going forward.

Rodrigo Bentancur (Community — 3.0): Still shaking off the rust but had a couple of exciting passes late. We’re gonna need more from him soon.

2.5 stars: Thirteenth Doctor

Jodie Whittaker’s Thirteenth Doctor represented a reboot of the franchise with a new actor, new show-runner, and new composer. Hence — new TARDIS set. But while a definite departure from what came before, I never warmed to this one — the massive crystalline features and contrasting color scheme made it look more like you’re stuck inside an alien insect, and it jars from the vivacious, upbeat personality of Whittaker’s Doctor. It wasn’t ever a good fit. Points for trying something new, but this missed the mark big time.

Emerson Royal (Community — 2.5): Not one of his better matches. Emerson didn’t offer much on either end of the ball and picked up an early yellow that might have limited his effectiveness. Thankfully, Udogie is back after the break.

Yves Bissouma (Community — 2.5): IDK what Bissouma was doing out there for the majority of the match but it sure wasn’t playing effective football. He looked slow, ponderous with the ball at his feet, and his passing was pretty bad. Ironically, he played better and with more freedom after picking up the yellow card, which rules him out of the Villa match.

Bryan Gil (Community — 2.5): Whatever. FRAAB’d a lot, barely touched the ball.

Ange Postecoglou (Community — 3.0): Think Ange got this one wrong but I’m not sure he had much choice. With a short week and massive disruption, he went with the “incumbents” on the bench instead of younger players who might have fit the system better, and it backfired. Was particularly concerned about selecting Hojbjerg over Lo Celso, a more obvious Maddison replacement. Makes me wonder if we’ll see the likes of Veliz, Phillips, Dorrington, et al after the break.

2 stars: Ninth/Tenth Doctor

The Ninth and Tenth Doctors were great characters and remain among the fans’ favorites in the whole of Who, but they sure did fly around in an ugly-ass TARDIS. The “coral theme” was intended to look organic as though the TARDIS was grown rather than created. But it was appallingly lit, the murky brown and green lighting did it no favors, and the entire effect came across as weird, spooky, and alien. Which I guess makes sense, but it really did nothing for me.

Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg (Community — 2.5): Not a good fit for this match or these tactics. Frequently caught ball-watching or protesting, which is what led to both Wolves goals. I almost blame Ange more for playing Hojbjerg ahead of Gio Lo Celso as he looked like a mismatched puzzle piece.

Son Heung-Min (Community — 2.5): Just a bad match. Nobody could get him the ball and the few times he got it he wasn’t able to do anything with it. Mostly not his fault, but it wasn’t good.

1 star: War Doctor

The War Doctor, played by the late John Hurt, was only seen during the 50th Anniversary special, was pretty awesome, but his TARDIS felt like it was phoned in. It was basically a melding of the classic Who stylings (white color scheme, lots of roundels, etc) with the coral pillars and recycled console we’d see from the 9th/10th Doctors. Thematically appropriate, but not very exciting or attractive. Glad we only got to see it for a couple of scenes.

No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as the War Doctor’s TARDIS.

Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating: Sixth Doctor’s “Secondary Control Room”

I couldn’t let this theme go by without mentioning the Sixth Doctor’s Secondary Control Room, which was apparently decked out entirely in wood paneling. Exquisite. Why didn’t they just make this the main desktop theme?