Tottenham Hotspur dropped their third straight Premier League match on Sunday, this time to Aston Villa at home by the score of 1-2. The result is a bummer, but the context — Spurs are banged up and without 10 players and still outplayed Villa and probably should’ve won the match — make the vibes a lot better than they have any right being. In truth, it was a fine performance, and if you replayed that match I think Spurs probably get a result 7 times out of 10. Alas, sometimes you get football’d and it sucks. And sometimes one of your players gets cynically fouled two matches after returning from a nine-month ACL injury.
For today’s theme, we’re talking about money, and I’ll start by stating the obvious — the United States’ currency is the most powerful and influential on the world market, but it absolutely blows on an aesthetic level. While other nations have banknotes that feature things like COLORS and DIFFERENT SIZES that make it easier to tell one bill from another, the USA has bills that are all green and feature dead white men on them.
So with that out of the way, there’s a whole world of interesting money out there, a lot of it absolutely gorgeous. We’re going to focus on some of them, from the prettiest to the ugliest. That’s our theme today.
Also if you’ve read this far and think you’ve already figured out the bit in these ratings, well, yes yes you’re very smart, shut up. Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings for their loss to Aston Villa to the theme of beautiful currencies.
5 stars: Netherlands
The Dutch 250 gulden note from the turn of the century might just be the most beautiful piece of money I’ve ever seen. Just look at that lighthouse — well proportioned, exquisitely colorful with pleasingly geometric detailing. It’s just lovely. I can’t believe they replaced this with the friggin’ Euro.
Ange Postecoglou (Community — 3.5): Sometimes the best defense is a good offense, especially when you have no actual central defenders available. Ange lost the match, but he got the tactics dead on — Spurs were the better side despite playing basically a B- team against a full strength Villa side, and then refused to bitch about what he has available. The vibes live!
4 stars: Bermuda
I suppose it makes sense that a country with this much natural beauty would also have some banger banknotes, but even so that is one spectacular bill. (On the bluebird. The banknote’s nice too.) Pretty colors, good use of font, well designed imagery — this is just great money. Great job, Bermuda.
Pedro Porro (Community — 3.5): A composed, mature performance under difficult circumstances. Plonked a shot off the post, generally passed the ball well, and did some good things with the ball in attack. Had one “oops” moment in possession that led to a big chance for Villa but otherwise extremely solid.
Rodrigo Bentancur (Community — 4.0): Roddy’s deep passing was spectacular and was a big part of Tottenham’s early dominance in this match. Perhaps the best evidence of Lolo’s efficacy in this match was how much worse Spurs’ midfield looked after he went off. Fuckin’ Matty Cash.
Giovani Lo Celso (Community — 4.0): Flat-out ran stuff in this match. Very impressive performance, both in terms of creativity and attacking nous. Took his goal well. Really excited to see how well he did, and I hope it continues because we need the guy we thought we were buying from Betis all those years ago until Maddison comes back.
Dejan Kulusevski (Community — 4.0): Excelled in a central role in the first half. Should’ve scored with an open shot in the first half but plonked it off the post. Looked comfortable and happy out there. That’s more like it.
3.5 stars: Samoa
Ok so I’m probably showing my hand here by featuring another small nation’s currency that features a bird, but look — birds rock and so does this banknote. Just look at it. That’s a good-ass bird bill.
Guglielmo Vicario (Community — 3.5): For the first time in a long time, Googly Elmo made a couple of noticeable mistakes — first botching a routine stop that went off the post nearly dribbled over the line (love how he kissed the ball though), and on his positioning for Villa’s second goal. But he made a couple of good stops and distributed well from the back.
Destiny Udogie (Community — 3.5): Spurs definitely missed his energy during his suspension and injury, evident early on when he blitzed into the box and blazed a shot over the bar. Made a couple of rookie-level errors in defense, but it was good to have him back.
Son Heung-Min (Community — 3.0): I mean, when you have a hat trick of goals called back for offside you must be doing good things. That solo goal in the first half was a spectacular finish, but all three VAR decisions were correct. Not his day, but still a decent performance.
3 stars: Euro
The Euro is a currency designed to be all things to all people as it represents a bunch of countries, all of whom have their own unique differences. So is it any wonder that the banknotes are just the most corporate beige nonsense? It’s not that they’re ugly. They’re not pretty either. They’re just... there. Unoffensive to everyone, which makes them merely tolerted by everyone. Eminently forgettable.
Ben Davies (Community — 3.0): He wasn’t exactly GREAT in this match and didn’t do a great job marking Pau Torres for Villa’s first goal, but you can’t teach height and he very, very much was not the problem in this game. I thought, all things considered, he was ok.
Brennan Johnson (Community — 3.5): Had a couple of good moments going forward but didn’t get nearly as many touches and kept trying for the flashy square ball or cutback instead of taking shots. Decent match, expected more.
Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg (Community — 3.0): General Ho doesn’t have Bentancur’s passing range or vision and it showed. But he did force a good save from Emi Martinez, so there’s that.
2.5 stars: Australia
Our new fivers look like vomit. pic.twitter.com/PKOJk6t45s— ☔Jason Murphy (@jasemurphy) April 11, 2016
It’s pretty bold of Australia to make a $5 banknote that features a portrait of the Queen beside what looks like elongated COVID-19 viruses, but hey, as an American I don’t have much room to talk here.
Bryan Gil (Community — 3.0): Started off super bright with some exciting touches and moves into space, but trailed off considerably late. Looked extremely one-footed and made some really dumb decisions with the ball in and around Villa’s box. I’m not sure he did enough to force himself into the conversation when Richarlison or even Manor Solomon comes back (but he’ll likely get more chances ahead).
Emerson Royal (Community — 3.0): He’s not a central defender and really showed it in this match. Really struggled with the pace of Watkins and Diaby. I think there’s a circumstance where he can play RCB and get away with it if he’s paired with a solid, experienced central defender, but not in the Oops, All Fullbacks! back line.
2 stars: This German note featuring a donkey taking a dump
After WWI there were all sorts of interim currencies floating around as European nations tried to jumpstart their economies. I have no idea why this particular German mark note features a donkey crapping in a field; one can only surmise that it is a not-so-subtle allegory of the effect of world wars on the average European, or perhaps just a nod to what this money was actually worth in real-world situations.
Oliver Skipp (Community — 2.5): Spent most of his shift jogging behind the play, accomplishing little. This guy sucks. Sell him to Luton.
1 star: Matty Cash
Did I formulate an entire player ratings theme around one terrible dad joke that you probably figured out from reading the headline? I sure did, and I’m not sorry! But this fucking guy and his garbage challenge injured Lolo and got away with it and I’m mad. So there you are.
No Tottenham players were as bad as the Matty Cash.
Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating
Erik Lamela Memorial Shithouse Award
Cuti Romero — I know he didn’t even play, but did you see him stare daggers at Matty Cash after his late challenge on Bentancur? Probably a good thing Cash had an escort heading down to the tunnel at halftime because I’m pretty sure had Cuti caught him alone he’d have killed him.