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Non-violent things we wish for Matty Cash

It’s not nice to wish injury upon opposition players. But we can wish other things!

Tottenham Hotspur v Aston Villa - Premier League Photo by Nigel French/Sportsphoto/Allstar via Getty Images

We’re all mad at Matty Cash. Let’s get that out of the way first. And we should be! Cash, Aston Villa’s current resident goon, put in a horrible late tackle on Rodrigo Bentancur in Tottenham’s match against Villa on Monday. That tackle was not only late, it was cynical, high, and dirty against a player who had only recently come back from a nine month injury absence with a torn ACL. He got a yellow card. It wasn’t enough.

Yesterday we discovered that by tackling Bentancur in the way that he did, Cash gave Lolo an ankle injury to the extent that he’s not expected to return to Spurs’ squad until the middle of February.

Ugh.

This website has a long policy, started by our founder Kim McCauley, of not sanctioning statements or comments that wish injury upon players, even opposition players we hate. I like this policy. I don’t think it’s ever a good idea to wish physical harm upon your enemies, much less players for a rival football club. I won’t say it’s always been easy, but I felt the same way even after numerous incidents against Spurs from players like John Terry, Joey Barton, Diego Costa, and Charlie Adam, all of whom were irredeemable pieces of shit on the football pitch.

So no, I don’t want anyone to wish Matty Cash injury or harm because he hurt our player. That’s mean and evidence of toxic fandom, which is a real problem. But that doesn’t mean we can’t wish OTHER things for him. Inconveniences. Small petty problems. Minor frustrations.

So let’s list a few of them. Here are some things we wish for Matty Cash in the wake of Lolo’s ankle injury. Some of them are mine, some are taken from the comments, and others were stolen from The Extra Inch Discord server, of which I am a member (thanks, y’all).


  • I hope it rains on Matty Cash’s next birthday.
  • I hope Matty Cash forgets to water his plants.
  • I hope Matty Cash realizes he’s out of coffee filters then next time he tries to make coffee first thing in the morning.
  • I hope Matty Cash has to wait in a four hour Ticketmaster digital queue for Taylor Swift tickets only to find out he didn’t get them.
  • I hope Matty Cash loses one of his AirPods.
  • I hope Matty Cash forgets to put salt in his water softener and ends up with calcium rings around all of the toilets in his house.
  • I hope Matty Cash’s favorite band comes to town but he has a dentist appointment the same day.
  • I hope Matty Cash loses his phone and forgets to back up his Google Authenticator codes.
  • I hope Matty Cash lets his D&D party down by rolling just below the required skill check success at a number of fairly critical moments.
Pedro Mendes Gave Birth to VAR
I hope that, no matter what variety he buys, every apple he ever eats again in his life is mealy

  • I hope the radio on Matty Cash’s car gets stuck on a station that only plays Diamond Lights.
  • I hope Matty Cash gets nothing but Tottenham history questions at his next pub trivia night.
  • I hope nobody will trade resources with Matty Cash the next time he plays Settlers of Catan.
  • I hope someone flushes the toilet the next time Matty Cash is taking a shower.

This is a creative (and gloriously petty) community. Let’s have some of your suggestions in the comments. Remember, non-violent small inconveniences only! And let’s try to keep them at most PG-13, yeah?