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Brighton 4-2 Tottenham: Player ratings to the theme of worst ever Tottenham kits

Bad match, bad kits, bad bad bad.

Brighton & Hove Albion v Tottenham Hotspur - Premier League Photo by Julian Finney/Getty Images

Ugh, what a terrible match. A bad match wearing bad kits was bad, and hard on the eyes in more ways than one. Not only did Spurs limp to a 4-2 loss away to a Brighton side struggling just as much with injuries as Tottenham, but they did it in those god-awful taupe haze Nike kits which will likely go down as one of Spurs’ worst ever.

Speaking of! That sounds like a decent theme to me. Let’s rate the players to Tottenham’s worst kits, because nothing beats wallowing fully in misery, at least until Spurs’ next match.

We are exempting the taupe haze kits from these rankings as they’re still too fresh to include. The ratings are in order from “least bad” to “most bad” so even the five star ratings are still objectively bad kits. These ratings should not be construed as a definitive ranking — Spurs have had lots of bad kits over the years and I, as always, am constrained by the number of categories. But consider them a representative sampling.

Here are your Tottenham Hotspur ratings to the theme of worst Tottenham kits.

5 stars: Third kits, Nike, 2018-19

Ajax v Tottenham Hotspur - UEFA Champions League - Semi Final - Second Leg - Johan Cruijff ArenA Photo by Adam Davy/PA Images via Getty Images

My hottest kit take is that these green “cityscape” Nike third kits were trash, just a truly horrific shirt design and color combo, and the only reason anyone likes these is because we beat Ajax while wearing them to send Spurs to the Champions League final. Good memories, but let’s not pretend these weren’t absolutely hideous kits. Come at me, I can take the heat.

No Tottenham Hotspur players are in this category.

4 stars: Home, Puma, 2009-10

Tottenham Hotspur’s English striker Pete Photo credit should read IAN KINGTON/AFP via Getty Images

Along those same lines, Tottenham qualified for the Champions League for the first time wearing these kits, but yiiiiikes. The yellow trim and huge side panels just didn’t work and took away from what otherwise might have been an okay kit (even with the Mansion logo). Thankfully Puma followed up these monstrosities with what is probably Spurs’ best ever home kit the following season.

Guglielmo Vicario (Community — 4.0): Yeah, he let in four goals but two of them were penalties and he made a number of good stops in this match. Without him, we lose by 6 or 7. By far the best player Spurs had on the pitch on Thursday.

Alejo Veliz (Community — 3.0): Looked bright in a small cameo and scored his first ever Tottenham goal in the process. He looked absolutely delighted. I’m thrilled for him.

3 stars: Away, Under Armor, 2014-15

Soccer - Barclays Premier League - Swansea City v Tottenham Hotspur Photo by AMA/Corbis via Getty Images

Ahhh, the “roadkill” kits, so named due to the giant yellow skid-mark in the center of these black kits. Mauricio Pochettino’s first season was mostly forgettable. I’d like to forget these kits.

Ben Davies (Community — 3.0): Not a great match defensively but more composed on the ball than Emerson and headed in a late goal.

Destiny Udogie (Community — 3.0): Had plenty of ‘oof’ moments defensively but did his part to get the ball to the forward line, much good that did them. Not great, but not the worst player on the pitch.

Richarlison (Community — 2.5): Not sure what more you could’ve asked of him in this match (apart from, y’know, not be offside). Had two offside goals in the net, hit the post once. If one of those goals stands, it’s a different match.

Ange Postecoglou (Community — 2.5): I honestly don’t know what Ange could do here. Set up the team as well as he could, made the substitutions he thought appropriate. He just needs more bodies and healthy players.

2.5 stars: Aways, Pony, 1995-97

I’m not necessarily opposed to Spurs playing in yellow, it’s a thing, it happens from time to time and Spurs have had some decent yellow kits in the past. This is not one of them. The mustard yellow with that collar, the blue sleeves, and the XXL 1990s sizing makes for one hell of a combo.

Pedro Porro (Community — 3.0): Whoof. Some loose passes and defensive frailty. Did have a late shot that went close.

Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg (Community — 2.5): Hit the post late but was a mess positionally in midfield for much of the match.

Dejan Kulusevski (Community — 2.5): Lordy, he tried but nothing was coming off. Rightfully penalized for yanking Welbeck’s shirt in the box. Also picked up his fifth yellow and is suspended for Bournemouth. Ditched the facemask mid-match, it didn’t work.

Son Heung-Min (Community — 2.5): Picked up an assist late when Spurs were actually trying to play football but otherwise was wasteful and looked exhausted.

Giovani Lo Celso (Community — 2.0): Gave away a stupid penalty but also was bright going forward and one of the catalysts for Spurs’ mini-resurgence late in the match.

2 stars: Third kits, Umbro, 2006-07

FA Cup 5th Round: Fulham v Tottenham Hotspur Photo by Phil Cole/Getty Images

Imagine playing actual football matches dressed like turds. For some this kit is so bad it wraps around and becomes ironically good. I am not one of those who thinks that. Did Spurs fire Martin Jol while wearing these kits? I don’t know, but in my fanfic they did and you’ll never convince me otherwise.

Emerson Royal (Community — 2.5): He’s not a central defender he’s not a central defender he’s not a central defender he’s not

Pape Matar Sarr (Community — 2.5): One of his worst games for Spurs, imo. Super sloppy in possession, completely off his game, hooked in the second half.

Brennan Johnson (Community — 2.0): This was one of those matches where the one thing he does well (dribble past defenders at pace) wasn’t working and he doesn’t have a backup trick. Critically, pulled out of a potential challenge vs. Estupinian that might have prevented the worldie goal.

Bryan Gil (Community — 2.0): This guy just does not have the juice and it’s probably time he moves on, either next month or this summer.

1 star: Third kits, Umbro, 1991-94

Spurs have had a lot of questionable kits over the years but I’m not sure anything was worse than the ‘90s aesthetic of a teal and purple kit with “SPURS” spelled out in the shoulder striping. Absolute garbage. The kits were terrible too.

No Tottenham players were as bad as these kits. No, seriously.