This is a throwaway theme. I make no apologies for it. But, like, these articles take a LONG time for me to do, so why should I spend the energy and effort to do one for a 4-1 loss to Leicester when the team doesn’t give me the same courtesy on the pitch? I don’t want to relive this match any more than you all want to read about how bad our players were. And they were, almost without exception, very very bad.
So fine, here are your stupid player ratings. Now let’s never talk about this again.
3 stars: Staring into the sun
On a list of “things that are bad for you” there are certainly worse things you can do to yourself than stare at the giant glowing orb in the sky without any eye protection, but if you value your vision it’s not something you should do with any regularity. Though on the flip side, burning out your retinas would mean you wouldn’t be subjected to having to watch this football team play any longer.
Rodrigo Bentancur (Community — 3.0): *sob* Lolo noooooooooo
2.5 stars: Eating Tide Pods
Is this still a thing? I feel like this is still a thing, though I might just be a Boomer. Anyway, it’s bad.
Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg (Community — 2.5): He ran around a lot. Good for him.
Harry Kane (Community — 2.0): He took a shot. That’s something, I guess. Starved for service and looked as frustrated as anyone out there.
Ivan Perisic (Community — 2.0): Had the corner for Bentancur’s goal but didn’t do much else of note.
Ben Davies (Community — 2.0): Probably the best of Tottenham’s defenders on the day, which unfortunately isn’t saying much.
Richarlison (Community — 2.0): As anonymous as everyone else, basically.
Emerson Royal (Community — 2.5): I guess 15 minutes is enough to warrant him a rating and, like, he was fine? I guess?
Davison Sanchez (Community — 2.0): Kinda wish he had started for Tanganga, even though he wasn’t especially good.
Pape Matar Sarr (Community — 2.0): Came in as Lolo’s sub and the match was already lost at that point. Didn’t do anything particularly bad, or good.
2 stars: Getting hit by a bus
It hurts, I am given to understand.
Fraser Forster (Community — 2.0): OK, so I know that the defense let him down, but let’s be real, he is NOT the savior in goal that so many fans thought he’d be. This guy moves like a redwood falling over. Hugo probably saves at least two of the goals he let in, even with a bad knee. I’m worried.
Japhet Tanganga (Community — 2.0): Inexplicable choice to start on the same flank as new guy Pedro Porro who obviously doesn’t know the system. Clearly not suited for the moment.
Eric Dier (Community — 1.0): The less said about his performance the better.
Pedro Porro (Community — 1.5): I feel a little bad about this rating since he was set up to fail in this match, but this was not an auspicious debut. I guess the good news is the only way to go is up?
Son Heung-Min (Community — 2.0): We’ve seen this stuff way too many times from Son this season. Hesitant, off the pace, indecisive.
Dejan Kulusevski (Community — 2.0): It isn’t often that I put Deki down here, but he was way, way off from his usual performances. Just an awful match.
Antonio Conte (Community — 1.0): Bring back Stellini.
1 star: Letting your personal identity and self-worth be dependent on the capricious whims of a sports team that doesn’t care about you
This sucks, Beavis.
No Tottenham players were as bad as... doing that thing.
Tom Carroll Memorial Non-rating