Well, that match was gross. It’s not that Tottenham Hotspur played especially poorly in their 1-0 loss to Wolves at Molineux on Saturday — they didn’t. At least not until the last third of the match, anyway. But Spurs weren’t able to put away the few chances they created, which left the door open to a stupid rebound goal that put a dent in their top four hopes along with any momentum heading into a critical Champions League match tomorrow.
Normally we at Carty Free Towers are big fans of wolves (the animals). But not right now. So instead let’s talk about whales. Specifically — whale behavior, which is varied and nuanced, both things that emphatically do not apply to Tottenham’s tactics. Here are your player ratings to the theme of whale behaviors.
5 stars: Just existing
Look, this seems simplistic, but we’re just a few decades away from needing a stolen Klingon warbird and a trip back through time to ensure something can communicate with a system-destroying space probe, and where would we be THEN? Nowhere good, that’s for sure.
No Tottenham players were at this level.
4 stars: Humpbacks breaching
When you think of whales, this is what you think of — that majestic sight of humpbacks leaping into the air, or thrusting their dorsal fins and tails out of the water. No clever comments here, this is super cool and the best thing about whales imo.
Fraser Forster (Community — 3.0): Hard to blame Forster too much in this match — he made several smart saves in this match. You could blame him slightly for Wolves’ goal as he deflected the initial save centrally and not wide, but Forster wasn’t the reason Spurs lost and it wasn’t a bad performance on the whole.
Cristian Romero (Community — 3.5): Probably Spurs’ best outfield player in this match. Snapped into tackles, didn’t let very much past him.
3.5 stars: Whalesong spreading like pop music
Scientists have determined that whalesong spreads across the ocean between individual whales as well as whale pods. That’s cool. That means somewhere out there is the Whale Harry Styles or Rihanna... and also Whale Nickleback so maybe we shouldn’t be giving them recording contracts, or at least get them better agents.
Pedro Porro (Community — 3.0): Better. Finally playing without a positionally and defensively suspect right sided centerback behind him, Porro started to display why Spurs rated him so highly and (arguably) overspent to sign him.
3.5 stars: Sperm whales sleeping vertically
Did you know that sperm whales sleep, and when they do they sleep vertically in the water? Very cool but also... ominous!
Oliver Skipp (Community — 3.0): Pretty good. I get the sense watching Skipp that he’s probably not going to be a superstar creative midfielder, but no matter who’s in charge he could have a place as a solid, no-nonsense, homegrown squad member. That’s fine — Spurs need players like that.
3 stars: Bubble-net feeding
Anyone who’s seen any oceanography BBC nature documentary with David Attenborough probably knows this already, but whales have figured out how to effectively corral fish by blowing nets of bubbles around schools and herding them together, making them much easier to catch.
Ben Davies (Community — 3.0): He was fine. Ironically, considering Perisic’s form, he’s probably better suited at this point as a wingback and not as a central defender.
Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg (Community — 2.5): Typical General Ho performance. Notably tried to be progressive with the ball, didn’t always work. Let Adama muscle past him for the goal.
Harry Kane (Community — 2.5): Not one of Harry’s best matches to be sure — flashed one shot high and had another grounded bouncing header saved. You’d expect him to bury one of those chances. He did work hard and set up a few good chances for others.
Son Heung-Min (Community — 2.5): A little better, but not significantly so. A few decent opportunities including a deflected shot that caromed off the crossbar, but he’s still way, way off of his performances from last season.
2.5 stars: Orcas playing with baby seals to teach their calves how to hunt
Look, I KNOW this community so some wise-ass is going to start by saying orcas aren’t actually whales, and this is true — they’re closer to dolphins. They’re also dicks who terrorize small, fuzzy, cute creatures for their own amusement. Orcas are the Biff Tanner of the ocean.
Clement Lenglet (Community — 2.5): Playing centrally in place of Dier, Lenglet had at least one dangerous defensive lapse that led to a Wolves chance. Not impressed.
Dejan Kulusevski (Community — 2.5): Weirdly ineffective match from Deki, who forced Sa into one save but didn’t really create or impact the match much otherwise.
2 stars: Crashing Twitter
Great job, Elon.
Cristian Stellini/Antonio Conte (Community — 1.5): Just some truly baffling decisions — Spurs were in control of the match until the 60th minute but allowed Wolves to make 5 subs before Spurs made one, which changed the match. That’s bad enough, but bringing in Lucas Moura and Emerson Royal?! I don’t know how much of that was Stellini and how much was Conte whispering in his ear, but still — awful. Contllini out.
Ivan Perisic (Community — 2.0): This dude is cooked.
Lucas Moura (Community — 2.0): The sub obviously wasn’t his fault, but I have no idea what he brings to the team anymore and never want to see him play again.
1 star: Getting into crypto
This has to be some metaverse version of putting the cart before the horse... https://t.co/fkbidOU47n— WIRED (@WIRED) February 10, 2023
Cancel whales now.
No Tottenham players were as bad as whale NFTs.
Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating
Emerson Royal, Richarlison