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Newcastle 6-1 Tottenham: Player ratings to the theme of social media platforms

The player ratings theme we deserve.

Twitter Removes Large Number Of Blue Verification Checks Photo illustration by Christopher Furlong/Getty Images

I’m not going to belabor this. Tottenham Hotspur got their asses beat so bad by Newcastle that they sacked the manager they appointed to run the club temporarily in place of the guy they sacked earlier. Some of you who are reading this who didn’t watch the match might be thinking “Oh surely it wasn’t as bad as all that.”

Yes, yes it was.

So look, I could spend a couple of hours writing out why exactly every single one of these Tottenham players were awful in gruesome detail, but I don’t want to do that and none of you want to read that. It was awful, and for the sake of my sanity it’s best that I dwell on that match as little as possible, especially because we have to host Manchester United in three days.

I’ve actually been holding onto this theme for a time if things ever got really, REALLY ugly. Seems like about as good a time to use it as ever. Can’t think of a more appropriate occasion.

Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of social media networks.

2.5 stars: Mastodon

It’s better than everything else, but let’s be honest — it still sucks, just in different ways.

Harry Kane (Community — 2.5): He scored.

2 stars: All other social media networks


Literally everyone else (community ratings in parentheses): Hugo Lloris (1.0), Pedro Porro (1.0), Eric Dier (1.0), Cuti Romero (1.0), Ivan Perisic (1.0), Davinson Sanchez (2.0), Pape Sarr (1.0), Oliver Skipp (1.5), Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg, Son Heung-Min (1.5), Dejan Kulusevski (1.0), Arnaut Danjuma (2.0), Fraser Forster (2.0), Richarlison (1.5), Cristian Stellini (0.5 lol)

1 star: Being addicted to all social media networks

No Tottenham Hotspur players are as bad as not being able to quit social media.