Tottenham 2-2 United: player ratings to the theme of native Australian fruits, ranked by how silly they sound

The vibes! There were vibes! After a season that can be generously described as “taxing” and ungenerously described as “fucking awful,” Tottenham Hotspur fired their (second) head coach and got the good times back, kinda, thanks to Ryan Mason and a come-from-behind 2-2 draw against Manchester United on Thursday. Was it a great game? Nah. Was it better than 75% of what we’ve seen this season? You bet!

I know we’re all grading on a curve here and that ratings naturally get inflated when we do good stuff or win compared to when we lose 6-1 to Newcastle, so I decided to go with a silly theme that will no doubt piss off the Aussie contingent on this blog dot com. Australia is a very silly place and has fruits with silly names, because Aussies are the ones who named them. And because this is a safe space and I know no one will yell at me, we’re going to rank the players’ performances to silly Aussie fruit names.

I’ve never had any of these fruits. I suspect I probably never will. I have no idea what they actually are, so Aussies, feel free to tell me they’re actually delicious.

5 stars: Lilly Pilly

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These are apparently known as “Australian Cherries,” but they’re called “Lilly Pillys” instead because Australia.

No Tottenham players were as silly as Lilly Pillys.

4 stars: Quandong

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Huh huh huh, shut up Beavis.

Photo by: Auscape/Universal Images Group via Getty Images

Harry Kane (Community — 4.0): There he is. That kind of performance is why it was so incredibly stupid that Conte made him stop playing deeper. We should maybe just play him as a 10 until the end of the season, he’s gonna get his goals. That cross to Sonny was SICK.

Ivan Perisic (Community — 3.5): This is what we expected Ivan to be for us this season — super dangerous going forward, putting in good crosses. Goofed up in the buildup to United’s second goal, but he also cleared one off the line and his offensive performance overshadows any defensive frailties.

3.5 stars: Muntries

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These little shrubby suckers look like unripe blueberries but apparently taste like a cross between juniper and apple? They sound like slang for testicles, i.e. “Yeah mate I went and kicked him right in the muntries.”

Fraser Forster (Community — 3.5): Let two in, but also made a few pretty good stops on Rashford down the stretch. Decent match.

Cuti Romero (Community — 3.5): Partially culpable, maybe, for the first goal but stepped up especially in the second half. Needs a mind meld with Pedro Porro, but better than at Newcastle.

Pedro Porro (Community — 3.5): At sea on United’s first goal, but looked dangerous in and around United’s box. Took his goal well. I have questions about his defense, but he’s doing what we bought him for.

Richarlison (Community — 3.0): Was very useful and got into the box quite well in this match. His decision making once there was a pretty yikes. Still, I liked a lot of what I saw from him on the left.

Son Heung-Min (Community — 3.5): Looked a little uncomfortable on the right side of midfield, but finished superbly for his goal.

Dejan Kulusevski (Community — 3.5): Nearly made an instant impact off the bench with his first touch being a lovely cross. Looked dangerous and exciting running at tired United legs.

Ryan Mason (Community — 4.0): Made some interesting tactical decisions and shifted the formation when needed to get Spurs back in the game. Wisely parked the bus and played for the draw when Spurs ran out of gas late. That’s as fun as I’ve seen Spurs look in months.

3 stars: Kallibonga Kiwi

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I have no idea where they got “kiwi” from considering that kiwis are native to New Zealand. Actually, I’m just kidding — I made this up. But tell me it doesn’t sound Australian because it totally does.

Clement Lenglet (Community — 3.0): Happy to see him back in the lineup, which tells you something about our current defensive frailties. He was fine. Plonked one off the crossbar.

Oliver Skipp (Community — 3.0): I was maybe a little overly harsh on Skippy in my match report. Had a bad first half but turned things around a bit in the second. But when Bissouma and Lolo are healthy, I don’t see how he gets in the side.

2.5 stars: Kakadu Plum

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Also known as the billygoat plum, or the salty plum, it probably has an Aboriginal name or something so I shouldn’t make fun of it, I guess. 2.5 stars.

Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg (Community — 3.0): Looked like he’s been playing 90 minutes of football every three days for the past six months. He’s probably unfairly dinged because Spurs keep getting out numbered in midfield.

2 stars: Finger Limes

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I mean, honestly, they seem to be exactly what it says on the tin, if the tin says “narrow lime filled with caviar.”

Eric Dier (Community — 2.0): Good lord. Got smoked by Rashford for United’s second and missed an absolute sitter of a header for a goal. Good and faithful servant to the club, but he needs to be moved on for our own sanity.

1 star: Cripps Pink

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It’s an apple with a silly name. Boo. I wanted it to taste like custard tarts or something.

No Tottenham Hotspur players were as silly as a Cripps Pink apple? Or is it the other way around?

Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating

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Arnaut Danjuma, Ben Davies, Japhet Tanganga