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Everton 1-1 Tottenham: player ratings to the theme of Jokers sorted by height

I am turning into the Joker.

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Ho there, folks. Nothing too fancy today. We all know what happened on Monday against Everton, and I’m not sure how much is to be gained by going too deep into Tottenham Hotspur’s pretty spectacular collapse against the Toffees.

So let’s dig right in. This video, which lists Jokers according to how tall they are, came across my feed after the match on social media.

It vibed pretty strongly with me, one because we already have a history of using height of fictional characters as a basis for a player ratings theme because I could feel myself turning into the Joker over the course of the last 20 minutes of that second half.

So why the hell not? I don’t want to write this article any more than y’all want to read it, so we’ll just go in descending order.

5 stars: Cesar Romero’s Joker

I honestly didn’t think Cesar Romero was 6’3”. He always struck me as one of the mid-height Jokers, or would have if I had ever managed to consider how Joker height might have impacted on-screen performance. Still, it makes sense that the OG Joker would be the tallest Joker; those of us of a certain age cut our Joker teeth on Romero’s portrayal and anything less would be a disservice to his scenery chewing, greasepaint greatness.

Players in this category? LOL...lmao.

4 stars: Heath Ledger’s Joker

If the world were just, Heath Ledger would’ve grown just a couple more inches before his tragic death, because his performance in The Dark Knight is the most deranged (and also seminal) portrayal of the character in any medium. The decision to play the Joker not as an insane but charismatic clown or even as chemically altered, but as a cold, amoral, sociopathic, but very human mass murderer was at the time a fresh and unique take on a classic character. Maybe he should’ve worn platform shoes.

Harry Kane (Community —3.0): Was this one of Kane’s better performances? Nah. But he did score from the spot, had another shot cleared off his line, and got an Everton player (rightfully) red-carded. It’s a pretty miserable match overall, but four stars? Sure, why not.

3 stars: Cameron Monaghan’s Joker

I quite like Monaghan, especially his portrayal of Cal Cestis in the Star Wars: Fallen Order series, and I gave up on Gotham (the show) well before he portrayed the role of “Jerome Valeska” which was basically the Joker but without the face paint. I’m given to understand that he was very good in that role, but unfortunately he’s only 6’ tall which puts him third on this list, just above average when it comes to Joker height. I don’t make the rules.

Clement Lenglet (Community — 2.5): IDK y’all, he was fine? I guess? Whatever.

Pedro Porro (Community — 3.0): Quite possibly Tottenham’s best performer on the day. Looked legitimately dangerous especially in the first half when Spurs were targeting him with long balls from deep. Final ball is off, but he’ll get there.

Cuti Romero (Community — 3.0): As far as defenders go, Cuti was absolutely one of the better ones and earned Spurs a penalty which Kane converted.

2.5 stars: Jack Nicholson’s Joker

Now we enter into the murky realm of short Jokers. Jack Nicholson is 5’10 (with his purple hat), but while he played his Joker with a fair amount of camp, it was also probably one of the versions that hewed the closest to the comics, especially in the golden age before the Joker started going completely off the rails and, y’know, removing his face and stuff. Nicholson’s portrayal probably deserves to be higher, but alas, he is not tall.

Hugo Lloris (Community — 2.5): A rather inauspicious return, wouldn’t you say? Rooted for the goal and put Spurs’ defense under pressure with some wildly inopportune passing out of the back. Did have one pretty spectacular reaction save, though.

Eric Dier (Community — 2.0): Tried to step forward to help pass Tottenham out of the back. Had a super bad giveaway (mostly precipitated by a calamitous pass from Hugo) in the second half and looked completely at sea late. A better first half than second.

Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg (Community — 2.5): Considering how important he was to Spurs successfully playing out of the back, it was definitely a sub-par performance, with lots of poor passing.

Dejan Kulusevsi (Community — 2.5): What’s happened to Deki? Confidence? Tactics? Loss of his buddy Bentancur? Just couldn’t get anything going.

2 stars: Jared Leto’s Joker

I never watched Leto’s performance in Suicide Squad, but he does certainly look the part of an insane criminal clown. Alas, he’s a half-inch shorter than Nicholson, hence two stars. We have standards on this website.

Oliver Skipp (Community — 2.5): Easily Skipp’s worst performance in a Spurs shirt for us, which hopefully is an anomaly. I don’t want to throw a young player fully under the bus but it’s important to call out poor performances and his was definitely one.

Ivan Perisic (Community — 2.5): A couple of nifty crosses early, but faded into obscurity again. Really feels like we whiffed on this guy and it sucks that he’s our only option right now.

Son Heung-Min (Community — 2.0): Even if you factor in the negative Perisic Differential™, this was still a pretty insipid performance. Sloppy and ineffectual going forward. He needs to do better.

Cristian Stellini (Community — 1.5): Remember when Stellini got Tottenham’s groove back? I miss those days. Now he’s just Diet Conte and everything feels bleak and it sucks. At least I like him better as a person, though.

1.01 stars: Joaquin Phoenix’s Joker

I don’t have much to say about Joaquin Phoenix’s portrayal as the Joker, but the character really didn’t need a sympathetic origin story and if the Joker is going to be this short then he needs to be a lot more energetic. Be taller next time, Joaquin.

Lucas Moura (Community — 1.0): You don’t ruin the bit.

1 star: The Joker on the back of playing cards

Technically not part of the above graphic, but with a maximum height of only 3.5”, this is definitely the shortest standard Joker you can find.

No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as a playing card Joker.

Mark Hamill Memorial Non-Rating

No discussion of Jokers can be complete without mentioning Mark Hamill, who has portrayed the Joker to great effect in a variety of animated contexts. Alas, at just 5’9”, even if the graphic artist had thought to include him in the rankings, he still would be the second to shortest Joker.

Davinson Sanchez