Bat Country: No, Harry Kane is not buying out the last year of his contract

This is a new low for Dispatches from Bat Country, and that only means a good laugh from all of us.

Earlier today, a ridiculous rumor popped up from a few random accounts on Twitter basically asking a what if question: What if Harry Kane decided to just buy out his contract on his own and head for the greener pastures in Bavaria?

Turns out the original source of that rumor is our old friends at Bild. And no, I’m not linking to even their Twitter/X/whatever the hell it’s called account out of spite.

You know Bild by now! They’re the ones who sent a journalist to Asia with a Bayern kit that had Kane’s name on it. It’s the same outlet that has the rather interesting fellow that all of West Ham wanted to strangle because he kept wishcasting Declan Rice to Germany....just like he’s doing now with Kane. He’s even changed his banner to an awkward picture of him with Kane.

Anyway, this rumor is funny on so many levels because it sounds like a room of writers and editors for an outlet that some put at National Enquirer levels of accuracy just throwing crap at the wall to see what sticks. Imagining a bunch of guys trying to find a new way to write about Kane to get clicks is very funny.

“What if Kane, you know, just up and left? That would work right?”

“No, it has to be spicier!”

“What if he bought out his contract? He’d be free to move!”

“...you’re a genius, Bob. Write that.”

It has the same energy of Lrrr in Futurama asking the Friends question. “What if Harry Kane, as the best player at Tottenham, simply ate Daniel Levy to force his move?”

I know we’re all tired of this saga and just want it to end. I’m sure everyone at Spurs, especially Harry and Ange, want this to be done so things are settled. Bild, however, appears to never want it to end so they can keep writing things like this.

So, no: Harry is not buying out his contract to move. That is somehow more scorched earth than handing in an official transfer request. I’ll give credit to Bild for one thing: That’s a new entry on the Bat Country list.