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Tottenham vs. Sheffield United: Player ratings to the theme of Australian things that can kill you

You think that koala is cute and cuddly, but it’s hiding a knife.

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Around the World Cup - FIFA Women’s World Cup Australia & New Zealand 2023 Photo by Maddie Meyer - FIFA/FIFA via Getty Images

What an ending to a match! Tottenham Hotspur went into the 98th minute down 1-0 at home to Sheffield United and came out of the match with a 2-1 win thanks to last-gasp goals from Richarlison and Dejan Kulusevski. Thanks to the 12’ of extra time it was the latest come from behind win in Premier League history, and kept the Ange-Ball love-fest continuing at least into next week’s away North London Derby.

Australia’s so hot right now, thanks to Big Ange, and what’s one of the first things you think of when you think of Australia? OK, there’s the Great Barrier Reef. OK, there’s also the outback. ...Yeah, sure, there’s Crocodile Dundee and Steve Irwin, I’ll grant that too. But what I’m REALLY getting at is “deadly animals.” Seems like 90% of the shit that’s down there can make you dead, and while this will no doubt annoy our (awesome) Aussie readership, it does make for a pretty great theme.

Here are your player ratings for Tottenham’s 2-1 win over Sheffield United to the theme of Australian things that can kill you.

5 stars: Big Ange

Big Ange is a bear. Oh sure, he looks one of those cute and cuddly Aussie bears that will roll over for you and let you pet its belly, but make no mistake, he’s a stone cold killer. If he were in charge of a school of jellyfish he’d have them swimming in a front three with inverted tentacles and they’d be dragging beachgoers into the riptides within a week. Scariest Australian export since chicken salt.

Ange Postecoglou (Community — 4.0): Y’all, I doubted. The longer Ange went without making a substitution the more I questioned the approach, but Ange admitted in the press conference that he expected a lot of injury time and timed his subs appropriately. And it worked — swapping out the front line gave Spurs a different dimension against a tiring Bournemouth defense and led to one of the more dramatic endings to a match I’ve seen in years. Ange-Ball is all vibes and I’m here for it.

4.5 stars: Horses

Wait, are you serious? I am! According to Australian Geographic, the deadliest Australian animal is the horse, accounting for 77 out of 257 reported animal-related deaths between 2001 and 2011. Now, this was a long time ago, but I think what we can conclude is that, like the founders of Australia, these horses were clearly the descendants of criminal horses. They almost certainly were packing heat and/or venomous. Note to self: don’t piss off an Aussie horsie. Oh, and the second deadliest animal in Oz? Cows (33 deaths). Moo, mate.

Richarlison (Community — 4.5): I’d put him here just for the vibes, but he changed the game when he came on. His skill set is perfect for a match like this against a bunkered, organized defense. He scored one, assisted the other, and I’m just so dang happy for him y’all have no idea.

4 stars: [trigger warning] Self-Harm

Not joking here, suicide is the leading cause of death for Australians aged 15-44. It’s incredibly sad. If you are in Oz and need help or just need someone to talk to, or if you’re worried about someone in your life who might be struggling with their mental health, dial 000 immediately, or visit You’re not alone. Help is available. Be like Richy and Dele.

Guglielmo Vicario (Community — 4.0): Didn’t have a TON to do, but had a couple of pretty fantastic stops in the first half and distributed the ball very well. United’s goal was unsaveable and Ange’s system means likely few clean sheets this season. On balance — a good match.

Cuti Romero (Community — 4.0): Could have done better on the long throw-in that led to United’s goal, but got back well and in a game with 13 yellow cards somehow managed to avoid getting one himself.

Yves Bissouma (Community — 4.0): Had a few moments where he glided past midfielders that reminded me a lot of Mousa Dembele. Nearly scored in the first half and it would’ve been a wonderful goal. He’s a delight.

James Maddison (Community — 4.0): Sheffield set out to frustrate Maddison and largely succeeded — Madders kept banging his head against the wall and had a couple of shooting chances but despite being less effective was still central in much of the good Spurs did on the offensive side of the ball. And yes, he earned a penalty, even if the ref (or VAR) didn’t call it.

Dejan Kulusevski (Community — 4.0): That winning goal pushes him up to 4 stars. Otherwise, Deki continues to get into the box but lacks that incisive final ball or pass that he showed after first joining the club. Can’t fault his work rate — he looked exhausted by the end of the match, which makes the goal all the more impressive.

Ivan Perisic (Community — 3.5): Had a hand in both goals — put the header to Richy’s head, and was involved in the buildup to Deki’s goal. An upgrade over Solomon, especially late when chasing a lead.

3.5 stars: Snakes & sharks (tie)

An abridged list of venomous snakes in Oz: Eastern Brown, Western Brown, Mainland Tiger, Taipan, Mulga, Copperhead, Small-Eyed, Collet’s, Stephen’s Banded, Common Death Adder (little on the nose there lol), Red-Bellied Black. There are, apparently, over 100 different venomous species. Scientists think that because of continental drift when Australia broke away, all of its snake populations were venomous, ergo they stayed that way. Basically, if you see a snake and you are in Australia, it’s safe to assume that it can kill you.

Originally sharks were going to be lower on the list. I’m used to American sensationalized shark attack nonsense media stories that are trotted out whenever there’s a slow news cycle. That said, sharks can very easily kill you, and the coastal waters around Australia have a lot of sharks. The list of fatal shark attacks in Australian waters on Wikipedia is actually quite terrifying.

Micky van de Ven (Community — 4.0): Had a couple of moments especially early where he let his man past him but has the athleticism to get back and recover. Overall, a very solid defensive effort despite a rather cheap yellow in a collision with Foderingham.

Destiny Udogie (Community — 4.0): A few notable bright moments in possession and he’s set the bar high for his performances, but this was — relatively speaking — not one of his better outings. And by that I mean he was merely pretty good instead of outstanding. Won the initial ball that led to Kulusevski’s winner.

3 stars: The Babadook

Jesus Christ, have you SEEN this movie? Terrifying. Only in Australia.

Pedro Porro (Community — 3.5): Less impactful than in past matches, but worked hard and put a few good crosses into the area.

Pape Matar Sarr (Community — 3.5): Another three shots in this match, none of which seriously tested Foderingham. Recycled the ball capably, but didn’t have much of an impact on the whole.

Manor Solomon (Community — 3.5): The guy’s got some tools, for sure. Had some good dribbles and a couple of nice passes in and around United’s box but I can’t help but think that his position is one Tottenham can easily upgrade. Got marked out of the match late before being subbed off.

2.5 stars: Jellyfish (some)

If you ask the random non-Australian person what’s a deadly Australian animal they’re as likely to respond with “box jellyfish” as anything. Truth is, there’s another one that’s even worse — the Irukandji jelly, which is TINY (5-25mm) but with stingers that can be a meter long, and absolutely deadly. There are about 40 reported jellyfish stings in northern Australia every year, but thankfully deaths are relatively rare with quick treatment. You’re (much) more likely to be killed by a kangaroo.

Son Heung-Min (Community — 3.0): It would’ve been tough for Sonny to recreate his performance from two weeks ago but Son looked well off it on Saturday. One good shot but otherwise mostly ineffectual against a well-organized Sheffield United defense.

Brennan Johnson (Community — 3.5): Looked bright in his goal that was called back from offside. Stretched United’s defense on a number of occasions but his off the ball movement was perplexing. Assume it was due to him really only working with his new teammates for a couple of days.

2 stars: Dingoes

Dingoes are really only dangerous if you are a baby, in which case it will likely eat you. I am told this is a perfect example of truthiness. As it is most likely that you, dear reader, are not a baby since babies cannot read, you should feel moderately safe around those cuddly doggies. Keep the strollers behind the dingo fences, though.

Just filling out the categories.

1 star: Spiders

Spiders. Y’all know I hate them and Australia is FULL of them — from the Sydney Funnel-Web Spider to the Redbacked Spider. Normally I’d advocate burning Australia to the ground just to be safe, but it’s already like 90% outback, doesn’t seem much point to it. Besides, since the development of anti-venom almost nobody has died from a spider bite in the past 20 years in Australia. So no, spiders aren’t likely to kill you on your visit Down Under. But spiders are still creepy and are banned from this website as long as I’m here. This is not encouragement to post spider photos in the comments, don’t push it.

No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as Australian spiders, even the non-venomous kind.

Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating

Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg, Emerson Royal