"'What's wrong?' I yelled. 'We can't stop here. This is bat country!'"
- Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Welcome to our second installment in the 2024 edition of “Dispatches from Bat Country”. For those unfamiliar, you can check out last week’s piece and the purpose of these unread “articles” here.
In this (I hope) semi-regular feature, I’ll be covering all those rumors on which we normally wouldn’t report. The fringe cases. The names that spring up from untold lands, off the beaten path. And this week, I will be mentioning shudders ITK. We’ve got some outgoings to discuss this week as well as incomings, and we’ll try and focus on names we haven’t already talked about elsewhere on the site. Each name will be accompanied by a Guano Meter: a ranking out of 5 that instead of rating how likely we think it is to happen, it instead is the complete opposite. For example, a Guano Meter of 5/5 would be something like Spurs signing Eden Hazard under Harry Redknapp. Or Samuel Eto’o under Harry Redknapp. Or Luis Suarez under Harry Redknapp. Or... you get the idea.
- 18 year-old Swedish striker at FC Copenhagen with a name that sounds like an Indian side dish.
- Actually trialed with Spurs as a youngster, scoring a hat-trick (and 2 assists) in a match against Ipswich which begs the question why they didn’t just sign him then and there?
- Reports seem to be originating from the Danish arm of BT Sport which doesn’t strike me as hugely reliable, but at least it’s locally grown, organic, craft rumor.
- Seems to be some competition, with a few other clubs also linked (including Chelsea).
Guano Meter: 2/5 - seems like the kind of player we would be interested in, and the previous trial would indicate we’re at least aware he exists.
- We’re keeping things in Scandinavia here, with Nusa an exciting, dribbly, Norwegian winger from Club Brugge.
- Yeah, so this is an ITK link. For those unaware, ITK means “In The Know”, which refers to people who post online anonymously claiming to have inside sources at Tottenham. Sometimes there’s some gold nuggets there, most of the time it’s rubbish. But I want him, so...
- Continuing with the theme of posting FBRef charts with very little context or comment:
Guano Meter: 3/5 - this would be at a 5, except for the fact that Fabrizio Romano actually posted back in November that we were interested in him. One to watch?
- Central midfielder from Middlebrough with possibly an even better name than Roony Bardgjhi.
- Scored the winning goal yesterday against Chelsea in the League Cup which makes me want to sign him up immediately.
- Comes from Nizaar Kinsella, who is pretty hit or miss.
- There was some reporting by the Mail back in December that we were interested in him for a summer move.
- Would maybe be a good young option if Hojbjerg goes?
Guano Meter: 3/5 - A bit of smoke here, even if the sources are a little bit suspect. Maybe one to keep an eye on in the summer.
Eric Dier to West Ham
- Extremely tenuous links, some of the earliest of which broke when a journalist asked Ange about it in a pre-match press conference which is such a glorious way to get a transfer rumor.
- LOL he’s going to Bayern.
- LOL x2 the main source here was The Sun.
- Still, it would be funny if Eric went to the club against whom he scored his debut goal.
Guano Meter: 5/5 - Two words: The Sun. To elaborate further: suck it Bayern, Dragusin is ours. You can have Eric.
Pedro Porro to Manchester City
- Some links in the last few days from “very reliable outlets” Sports Mole, TheHardTackle.com, and TottenhamHotspurNews.com. That last one seems especially legitimate! Why wouldn’t it be? It has our club name in the link!
- Let’s be honest, who wouldn’t want Pedro Porro? He’s among the top 3 right backs in the league right now, and he’s probably in the conversation for top 3 in the world.
- Getting rid of a player young then buying him back for way, way more when he’s older seems like more of a Manchester United than Manchester City move.
- Wait, didn’t we already go through this with Kyle Walker?
Guano Meter: 4/5 - Sourcing aside, even if City are interested there’s no way Spurs sell him. But it’s quite possible they ARE interested, because City do tend to like good players. They can piss off, though.
Ryan Sessegnon to Manchester United
- Because United haven’t already had enough injury issues at left back this season.
- Miguel Delaney from the Independent threw this one out there, but he does love to just spitball transfer ideas, as opposed to actual links or rumors.
- United WERE interested in Sess back when he was at Fulham, but there’s a lot of water under the bridge since then.
- Spurs would probably prefer to hold onto him until the summer considering the state of the squad.
Guano Meter: 4/5 - Filing this one under probably not going to happen. But it would be nice to get a juicy paycheck from United.
That’s it from this week’s installment; let the rosterbation commence. Welcome to Bat Country.