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Dispatches from Bat Country: January 2024 DEADLINE DAY

Bring it on.

Tottenham Hotspur v Manchester City - Emirates FA Cup Fourth Round Photo by Marc Atkins/Getty Images

"'What's wrong?' I yelled. 'We can't stop here. This is bat country!'"

- Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

Welcome to our final installment in the JANUARY 2024 edition of “Dispatches from Bat Country”. For those unfamiliar, you can check out last week’s piece (but seriously, you should know the drill now, even if you DON’T read the articles). You can also find the purpose of these unread “articles” here.

A quick reminder on our ranking system: Each name will be accompanied by a Guano Meter, a ranking out of 5 that instead of rating how likely we think it is to happen, it instead is the complete opposite. For example, a Guano Meter of 5/5 would be something like Bayern buying Son so Harry Kane has more friends. Look, it just makes sense - he even speaks German!


Ibrahim Osman

  • Ghanaian winger playing in Denmark, based at FC Norjae... FC Nordsjalun... FC Nordsjaello... you know, that one.
  • The guy is 23. He has played all of 6 matches. In Denmark.
  • Did I mention he’s already 23 and has played all of 6 matches in Denmark?
  • Except he’s 23 until he’s 20. FBRef has him at 23, born in 1999; Transfermarkt, on the other hand, has him at 19, born in 2004. So it’s one of those...
  • This came from Ben Jacobs, and we’re just listed alongside a bunch of other clubs.
  • Also, we’re merely “considering a bid”. That’s a whole step before preparing one!
  • Continuing with the theme of posting FBRef charts with very little context or comment:

Guano Meter: 5/5 - this is just another great example of peak Bat Country. Some agent somewhere has probably name-dropped Spurs and we just hoover that stuff right up.

Lucas Bergvall

  • Young Swedish midfielder at Djurgardens IF. They’re a Swedish club, in case you hadn’t guessed.
  • He’s only 17; realistically, he’d be one for the youth team.
  • This is from Sky which is partially trustworthy - they even name-dropped Johan Lange!
  • He’s probably going to Barcelona.

Guano Meter: 4/5 - see above, the Blaugrana are calling and who wouldn’t want to be paid in supermarket coupons and fresh air?

Joshua Kimmich

  • In case you don’t know who Kimmich is, he’s at Bayern and really good. He plays defensive midfield and right back, and his versatility would be reeeeeally nice to have in our squad.
  • Just six months ago, Bayern president Hainer referred to him as an “absolute cornerstone”. I dunno what’s happened since then, but he doesn’t seem to have been getting the minutes he should have. A Tuchel man-management special, perhaps?
  • He’s not really our age profile, being 28. Do we go from one CDM (Hojbjerg) on the wrong side of the age curve to another? I dunno.
  • He’s pretty damn good though.
  • This link comes from basically nowhere - it’s Footy Insider, and tenuous at best.

Guano Meter: 4/5 - I knocked a point off just because it would make me happy.

Willian Pacho

  • Continuing with the Bundesliga theme, Willian (no, not that one) plies his trade at Eintracht Frankfurt. Oh God, we’re going to get gazumped again, aren’t we?
  • He’s a left-footed center back who looks like he loves to get stuck in.
  • Very physical - looks pretty quick as well. Fast CB from the Bundesliga? Why does that sound familiar?
  • Sacha Tavolieri is the source on this, and honestly, if they were trustworthy enough to really matter we would have written this up.

Guano Meter: 4/5 - not much here, but at least it’s not The Sun.

Dominic Solanke

  • Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha no. Because it’s The Sun.

Guano Meter: 5/5 - Like I said... it’s The Sun.


Pape Matar Sarr to Barcelona

  • We all love our Sarr-boy.
  • This one comes from Gabriel Sans, who can be a decent source on Barca-related stuff.
  • Apparently they sent scouts to observe him at AFCON.
  • Let’s be honest though - there’s no way Spurs sell Sarr. He’s one of the few on the “DO NOT SELL” list.

Guano Meter: 5/5 - They can pry Sarr from my cold, dead fingers - and Barca could then even use my entrails as part payment! I hear organs sell for a bit of money on the black market...

That’s it from this week’s installment; let the rosterbation commence. We’ll be following up on ALL the Bat Country excitement in a special review piece next week. Welcome to Bat Country.