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Young Brazilian international unhappy and available for Spurs

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Young, hyped Brazilian? What could possibly go wrong?

Jared Wickerham

Hey guys, remember when AVB wanted us to buy all these targets like Hulk, Moutinho, and Messi, and that was the reason he failed? Well find a bridge and get ready to eat anyone who passes by, cause it's time to troll Andre and go after one of his targets. According to the Metro, Spurs are interested in signing Bernard.

In case you don't remember, Bernard is the winger who graduated from Hogwarts and used a fake ID to sneak onto the Brazilian National Team during the World Cup. AVB had targeted him, so I can only assume he was the missing ingredient we needed to succeed ... if we also signed Hulk, Moutinho, Messi, Ronaldo, and Falcao.

Anyway, Bernard has apparently realized that the Ukraine isn't the best place to be right now if you're not a member of the Expendables and he's looking for a new club. According to the Metro, since our deal for defensive stopper Morgan Schneiderlin is falling through we might turn to Bernard. Because when you can't sign one of the best defensive midfielders in England, naturally you turn to a 5'4" winger who was a fringe part of the one of the most disastrous international teams in recent memory. Oh, we're also competing with Arsenal for his signature because of course we are.

Here's some fun stuff from A TOTALLY REAL SHAKHTAR SOURCE:

"It is necessary to seek a compromise. It is obvious the Brazilian does not want to stay in Ukraine, where he will only complain and spoil the atmosphere in the team. But to let him go for free or for pennies won't work. The club will not allow it. In such a situation it is better to give the Brazilian a one year loan."

I, for one, look forward to signing Bernard, Hulk, and Moutniho, sitting them on the bench, and setting up a stream to St. Petersburg to let our old friend know that we're still thinking of him.